“The largest home ever listed in Albuqerque! [sic]”

When the nicest thing you can say about your listing is that it’s “The largest home ever listed in Albuqerque!” and you can’t even spell the city’s name correctly… Oh my.

See if you can guess the year this place was built just by looking through these photos…

Here’s what I assume is the “great room.”

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

And from the other side of those windows, the pool room, complete with its own oddly-placed fireplace:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

Once we get into the smaller rooms, the decor gets… eclectic. There’s the orange room:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

The blinding yellow room:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

The… whatever this is room:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

Just yikes. I don’t even know.

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

Here, have some hideous pink:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

According to the listing description, the kitchen was remodeled in 2004. Here’s what they decided to put in:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

Ew.

The giant 59-photo set also includes two shots of this rather odd exterior space:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

Here’s the hero shot of the front of the home, which actually looks kinda nice from the outside:

4416 Altura Ave NE, Albuquerque, NM 87110

So, have you guessed the year it was built? I was thinking ’80s or maybe ’70s after looking through the photos… The actual year: 1979.

For just $1.45 million it could all be yours. Just be sure to set aside another million bucks or so if you want to drag the interior spaces into the twenty-first century.

About the Author

Marty E.

Naked Loon Editor-in-Chief

14 Comments on "“The largest home ever listed in Albuqerque! [sic]”"

  1. I saw these photos and the question came to mind: “new” kitchen notwithstanding (because they left the old floor underneath), how much of this crap hasn’t been updated because it’s hiding asbestos? Whoever buys this needs to get that info up front.

    One other thing, what’s the deal with that array of mechanical fans on the balcony? (photos 4, 9, and 17) I’ve never seen anything like that.

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  2. @Frodo: Oh weird. I thought they were just some kind of decorative lights. Now that you mention it though, I guess I don’t see any bulbs, and the wire connecting them all looks more like a steel cable than an electrical cord… Very odd.

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  3. Ow! Ow! OW!! My eyes, my eyes… Damn you, Marty, my eyes! Now I know what my husband means when I show him something like this (though this may be the worst ever) and he asks, with desperate innocence, “Why do you hate me?” The only thing missing from these Pics are porn ‘staches, bad toupees, and plaid leisure suits. I can’t even lament, “Oh, the humanity” because I’m pretty sure there isn’t any. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t………

    A list is all I can manage:
    – “Charles Cook designed French country style” This presupposes it has style. At any rate, no Frenchman on earth would tolerate his nation being associated with this monstrosity.
    – “two koi pond waterfalls” If you’ve just got to show them, snap the photos when direct sunlight isn’t illuminating the algae problem.
    – “Rubber membrane roof” What? What is that even? And why would anyone need rubber on a roof in Albuquerque?
    – I went back and counted… There are no fewer than 17 images and/or rooms that had my inner critic (yes, there is one, though it gets short shrift compared to my outer critic) exclaiming “Ham fisted ‘decor’!” If the previous owners were trying to keep Kosher I think they missed.
    – Pretty much nothing of what is there was good even when it was new. It’s been whole hog (again with the pig metaphors) craptastic schlock from Day 1.
    – Some “lucky” interior designer is going to become famous and make a butt load of money on this place… if they manage to survive and aren’t institutionalized in the process.

    Oh, and I think that weird little brick-wall exterior space is for cutting up the bodies. We might want to keep that as is until we can track down the original “decorators.”

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  4. I live in Albuquerque and have always been amused with this home while driving by. A few weeks ago I was stuck in traffic and took an alternate route and happened upon the open house. I had to stop.

    I’ll start by saying it was interesting to walk through this home but the home is extremely underwhelming inside. According to the realtor construction began in 1978 and was completed in 1986. It is very apparent that the home is addition upon addition.

    Stepping in the front door I can tell the entrance was beautiful in its day and with a little color and new flooring could be grand again. The kitchen is another Frankenstein. There is a newer Viking range and two refrigerators which kind of match but are not the same. There is also an oddly placed electric cooktop that you can see in the photos. The cabinets were old and beat with a new coat of paint trying to make them looked polished. The granite was also nice but very poorly finished. I could feel tool marks along the edges where a shaper was used to add profile but it was not smooth as granite should be.

    Behind the kitchen there is a spiral staircase that goes up to two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a door that opens into the attic. This area seems to be an afterthought addition as the ceilings are only 7 feet high. This area is separate from the living areas that the main staircase leads up to.

    The hideous pink room is the master which has an enormous room with two vanities, a tub, and small stand up shower that you would find in any 1970’s suburb bathroom. There is also a small closet for the master.

    When going up the spiral staircase at the main entrance you realize the banister is low. Dangerously low. You can see in the first picture how tall and open the area is. As you walk along the back catwalk it become unnerving how low the railing was. I sized up on my leg where the top of the banister was and when measured later it turned out to be somewhere around 28 inches. Nowhere near what it should be for me personally to feel comfortable.

    I apologize for my scatter brain walk through which I attribute to my ADD. If you have questions or want me to explain anything comment below and I will respond

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  5. @Kaaey: Awesome. Thanks so much for the first-hand account!

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  6. @Kaaey: Greetings Kaaey! Welcome aboard!!

    My professors in architecture school always said there is no substitute for seeing a building/place in person, so it’s really great that you let us know the real scoop on this nightmare. Thanks for the blow-by-blow. It sounds like that’s you were feeling just trying to endure your visit. :)

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  7. It’s not even so awful that it’s good. It’s just awful. The most impressive thing about this listing is the vacuuming patterns on the carpets. :-)

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  8. @MsWildhack: It almost looks like someone was trying to mesmerize listing viewers to distract them from the horror surrounding them. Yeah… didn’t work.

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  9. Joey Brito-Tenorio | May 7, 2017 at 3:23 AM |

    I am an Albuquerque native and it has always been my dream to own this property The home was a gift from a loving husband to his wife. It was Mrs Cook’s dream home and even now, in it’s vacant state, the love, warmth and individuality of it’s former occupants shine through. It is more than just a house, it is a home. And whomever is blessed to be the next proud owner will, hopefully, continue to respect, embrace & appreciate it’s uniqueness.
    Sorry I can’t agree with your negative comments. But I appreciate your insights.

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  10. One of the biggest home builders in Albuquerque | May 16, 2017 at 10:59 PM |

    @Kaaey: Ok so you obviously did not tour this house. As the kitchen is only updated with a new viking range and one refrigerator the other is cabinet space. The wing above the kitchen is actually 4 bedrooms above the spiral staircase over the kitchen and yes the attic space is quite odd as to why it is not finished space but show me a contractors house that does not have a space that is unfinished and I will show you who is not an actual contractor. BTW the bathroom in the master has two closets that are larger then most houses kitchens and the shower is not a tiny stand up as it is a steam shower complete with large seating area to bask in the steam. the only part of the master bath that needs attention is the tub is a bit small and can easily be enlarged by taking out the riser on the left. This house is the quintessential home build in 1977 and completed in 1979. Also have seen the inspections done on the home and guess what no asbestos was used. Buying this home this week and going to touch up the things to bring it back to its original glory

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  11. One of the biggest home builders in Albuquerque | May 16, 2017 at 11:02 PM |

    @Joey Brito-Tenorio: We are trying to close on this house this week we love everything about this house as we knew Charles and Beeje or at least I did as a young kid. Not changing an thing in this house but going to restore to the glory it is

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  12. Joey Brito-Tenorio | June 8, 2017 at 12:18 PM |

    @One of the biggest home builders in Albuquerque: CONGRATULATIONS!!! IM BEYOND JEALOUS! it’s terrific to know that HOME will be in appreciative hands. if u ever need a house sitter, I’m available:-)

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  13. One of the biggest home builders in Albuquerque | June 9, 2017 at 3:53 PM |

    @Joey Brito-Tenorio: Ill keep that in mind lol

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  14. The “Whatever this is” room looks like Oompa Loompa colors.

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