Here’s one of 7 almost identical photos of the house.

With all those multiples, a descriptive list will work here.

There are… multiple Persian carpets (too many to count), as well as at least 2 medieval style tapestries; 8 (or possibly 9) fireplaces; at least 4 athletic facilities, including both indoor and outdoor pools and the obligatory regulation indoor tennis court (with added basketball capability); several dramatic staircases, one of which overlooks the tennis court (Pic 49); a plethora of terraces, covered porches, and balconies; 2 inglenooks (Pics 15 &24) plus one quasi-inglenook (Pic 26), all boldly colored; and enough storage space for you and several dozen of your closest friends to ride out the zombie apocalypse in comfort.

So what is there only one of?

To start with, a ceiling fresco, but with multiple cupids, of course.

Your own private village square with dog, but with multiple shopfronts garages, of course.

A purple home office with a sole, purple folk art rooster, but with multiple mystery appliances, of course. (Seriously, what are those things?)

One swimming pool rock waterfall, but with multiple rocks, of course. Although… there is only one “speaker” rock (lower left foreground).

And finally, one lone giraffe, but with multiple spots, of course.

Oh, and there are multiple plants throughout the house for Mr. Giraffe’s foraging pleasure. Of course.

[Special thanks to Marty for locating this 12 minute walk-through video. Turns out there are indeed 9 fireplaces and the mystery appliances are washers and dryers.]

I was raised with authentic vintage beams and planking…

with hand-painted, ceiling-high murals…

and a scrupulously clean barn basement with stone walls.

Besides “a fine appreciation for history,” my barn also has “resort-style grounds with pool, cabana, gym and sauna”…

…as well as a wine cellar, appropriately located in the silo cellar.

It’s a respectable upbringing, being raised in a barn. As the sign says…

It’s A Wonderful Life!

…and about as small as one, too.

It’s so small – “How small is it?” – you can’t even see it from the street.

No, not the white one. The one lurking behind all the foliage on the left. So much for “curb appeal.”

It’s so small, you can see 90% of the interior in this one photo:

It’s so small, that path around the bed is all there is to the bedroom.

It’s so small, you can see one end of the front room from the kitchen and the other through the far bedroom door. Here’s a better look:

And…. Tha, Tha, That’s All Folks!

Well, OK, there is an extra room.

But the house is so small, the extra room is all the way out back…

…in an even smaller building!

The only thing not in on the “How small is it?” contest is the price. Or it was. The property sold for $350,000. And there ain’t no button in the world that cute.

With a great playground just across the street…

A nicely refinished living/dining room…

And even a master bedroom with a fireplace…

And then… you discover… The Basement!   ~ Shriek! ~

What do you mean, it’s not the set of a Vincent Price movie? You mean it’s like this all the time?! AGGGH!!!

I mean, that’s a pretty good size building after all.

What, the price is for only part of the building? OK. Um, how much of it?

492 square feet? Wait… wait… you’re telling me you want a quarter of a million dollars for a… a… a shoe box?

That’s it? that’s all there is? For how much?!

And I thought $1,000 for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes was extreme. At least there’s a commensurate shoe box to go with them in Seattle.

Given the lush natural surroundings, the owners of this home might almost be forgiven for trying to tone things down inside.

But then again, this is Mercer Island, Washington…

where winters can be long, dark, and dreary and many folks require a cheerfulness supplement to their daily routine.

But no. In this home, not even the entertainment room is entertaining.

Somehow, though, a vestige of humanity has managed to survive…

because at least they spared the children.

But it’s not just exteriors. Inside, you have your angled dining rooms…

your angled kitchens…

and your angled bathrooms.

If you feel the need for somewhat more metaphorical angles, there’s the uber private secret meeting room in the attic…

and the high tech “clean room” in the separate entry basement apartment (perfect for “plausible deniability”).

Just in case you need a reminder that, when in DC, you’re playing with The Big Boys, there’s always the view from your balcony…

where you can learn the angles from the best of them.

And in case it didn’t quite do the trick, you can always show an interior…

…then go back to the view.

Repeatedly…

And why not toss in an extra, beyond hi-def view, just for the heck of it?

with modern lines and materials both inside…

and outside.

But there is one teensy issue…

It not only sits next to an early 20th century craftsman style home, but in an entire sea of homes from the same era…

Yup, there’s nothing like undisguised indifference to your surroundings for securing a friendly introduction to your new neighbors. Good luck with that!

See, all the dangerous influences of a society “out of control” can be overcome.

[P.S. – This listing went off the market but you can still find the photos over on Zillow.]

The Upper East Side of NYC is a rarefied atmosphere, the proverbial lap of luxury. With the Guggenheim next door and the Metropolitan Museum of Art just down the street, it’s one classy neighborhood, underscored by the $23.5M price tag on this single floor co-op. With that sort of clout a bit eccentricity is to be expected with, say, the choice of decor palette…

…or the scale and number of large patterns. Or both. This “interesting” color-pattern combo continues in the bedrooms.

Oh. My… Well, at least it can’t get any worse. Probably.

OK, I was wrong. Take all of the above and add… sage-green striped bedspreads? And a trellis patterned carpeting with… a turquoise background?

I’d ask someone to pass the Pepto Bismol, but I think they used it all on the ceilings.

If you hadn’t guessed already, you finally, truly know it’s bad when this hallway is actually a relief.

Horizontal bead-board isn’t usually associated with luxury, let alone painted turquoise, but at least it’s (somewhat) better than this chair with extremely odd upholstery…

I… uh… what?

If there were such a thing as a Crime Against Prime Real Estate this place would be guilty of multiple counts.

But wait… there’s more! According to Sotheby’s International Realty, the approximately 37 acre retreat in Southern France includes:

…an entire ‘hameau’, a private, small Provençal village comprising more than a dozen buildings, including a main house, several guest cottages, a bar & restaurant, a workshop/garage, a staff house and much more.

While the listing says there’s a chapel, this site says it’s been converted into guest quarters. Hopefully, that could explain the presence of a bed, a bathtub, and… a confessional(?!) in the same room. “Paging Dr. Freud!”

Whatevs! What’s totally cool is that Johnny himself ~swoon~ decorated all the buildings in the whole village, which explains this awesome room, including the Alas-Poor-Yorick prop(?) on the side table.

But the BEST EVER part? OMG I can’t believe it… some of Johnny’s personal belongings are INCLUDED IN THE SALE!!!

~THUD~ (Faint…)

Where you can Curtain All The Surfaces!

Or play pool under a painting of people in a pool.

And this being SoCal, it’s all about the pool. It’s there, just beyond the see-through fireplace.

You’ll enjoy endless vistas from the best darn porch swings EVER…

Happy Hour at your personal tiki hut bar in the round…

…and a dinner venue with its own infernal internal lighting.

But in this best of all possible worlds, the best place to be is at the fire pit and in the pool… At.The.Same.Time.

Mai Tai, anyone? We’ve got plenty of little umbrellas.

OK, it’s just that they didn’t know about proper lighting for night shots. But maybe not.

Gee, maybe it’s all that bright Orlando sunshine causing glare. But maybe not.

Hmm… Perhaps the shots of smaller areas are better. But maybe not.

Uh, maybe they just woke up?

Or had a few too many?

I know! All together now, loudly enough for the guy in the projection booth to hear us, “Focus!”

Yeah, that oughta do it. But maybe not…

Still, it’s nice to see a friendly face because, other than him, this place looks like it ought to belong to Iron Man. You know – Tony Stark.

OK, so there are a few splashes of color…

But even the dog doesn’t rate anything exciting. Hopefully he’s friendly.

Then again, his name is Italian for “scam.”

So… how about that Listing Butler?!

Privacy is also hard to come by when you have lots of guests who’ll share a meal with you in the lodge-sized kitchen/dining combo.

Or the ones who won’t be able to keep quiet after lounging on the observation bench… in front of your spa tub.

Any guest who wins his or her handball match would likewise be tempted to spill the beans.

Oh, geeze… so there’s at least nine more guys who no doubt will blab about your full-sized basketball court.

And your batting cages…

But the absolute deal breaker for keeping your location a secret is to advertise that you have…

…your own baseball diamond. With night game capability. Makes finding you a total snap. BTW, the home is on West Patrick Lane, about 2 miles due west of McCarran International Airport and right next to the Korean Catholic Church that fronts on South Jones Blvd.

[Note from Marty: The full address was fairly easy to find. It’s 5990 W Patrick Lane, Las Vegas, NV 89118]

In the dining room…

Even in the hallway…

Well, until you hit the home theater. It’s… um… different…

The busts are of Greek and Roman origin. Some are even of famous philosophers. But the theater is an Egyptian tomb reborn… with a dozen gold thrones seats. And a totally creepy black obelisk.

Even so, the Egyptian theater may not sport the weirdest decor. At least Greek, Roman, and Egyptian are all ancient. But this…?

Definitely a “Wait… what?” moment. I dunno, maybe the dolls count as sorta busts?

It has gorgeous views of the Scottsdale and Phoenix area.

It has some interesting spaces inside, including the kitchen…

…and the amazing master bathroom.

It even has a totally cool mural in, of all places, the garage.

But the real magic happens after dark, when the lights go out…

…and the black lights come on!

Now that is what I am talkin’ about!

Ooh… it even has a cool castley type door!

OK, the “throne room” is a bit tacky, but at least it’s in keeping with the theme.

Wait a sec… this hand carved wood is probably supposed to be a wolf, but it sure looks like Anubis, Egyptian guardian of the underworld. Huh…

And this kinda reminds me of… an indoor gallows room?

I’m not sure I want to know where that lower stair leads, let alone… This Terrifying Tunnel!

A dungeon? Really? That’s carrying the theme a bit far, don’t you think?

What do you mean, there’s “more”? Oh no no no no no… not a… Subterranean Sacrificial Altar!!

Sweet Jesus, there’s even a convenient drain!

How’s that? It’s really just an old brewery?

Well, OK. But if I promise never to drink beer again, can you promise me I’ll never have to go inside it? Please?!

Lead suitably impressed guests into your Untouchably chic speakeasy.

Play at being Cinderella (your choice of dozens of adaptations), fleeing down the castle staircase to evade the lovelorn prince.

Recreate training scenes from Rocky II, III, IV, or V (but not the first one because, hey, he was still poor).

Do what Ferris Bueller would’ve done if he’d really stayed home sick.

Ascend into the heavens (or your neighbor’s yard) via your personal glass Wonkavator. (Um, yeah… the Wonkavator moves sideways, too.)

When you’re ready to come back to earth, you can ground and center (or just take a nap) in your meditation chamber. But watch out that stray sparks don’t catch your hair on fire… Remember, the point is to play at being dramatic, not actually, you know, be dramatic!

…quickly segues into one with some, shall we say, “odd” features.

There seems to be all manner of, for lack of a better term, hangy-downy stuff. Pretty much everywhere.

In the stair hall…

In the bathroom…

In this bedroom…

And in this other bedroom, including the lighting feature over the bed as well as the string sculpture near the windows. The strings resemble both an inverted model of a suspension bridge and a trajectory study of a handgun-related crime scene.

At the least the hangy-downy stuff here isn’t as unpleasant as the stuff at a crime scene might be. But it’s definitely more… “odd.”

blacksmiths, including one of a kind leaded windows with beveled glass panes…

plasterers…

and bricklayers (or brick-levitators, as the case may be)…

not to mention the ubiquitous fine art and furnishings on display in every room, as well as this unique fireplace.

The looniest thing about this Looney Listing is that those who designed and built the home, as the saying goes, chose wisely. And that’s pretty darn rare.

Inside there is an endless supply of non-traditional spaces, including the 2-story, semi-circular music niche…

…a sharply angled, glass walled hallway that snuggles around a deck…

…and numerous rooms that manage not to suffer from a lack of parallel walls, including the office and a practice/recording studio.

Still, the thing that’s likely to hold your interest the longest isn’t even technically a part of the house itself. Nope. It’s…

…the bright purple leather sofa! (With matching ottoman!!)

The back porch is even better.

The open plan living room/kitchen/dining has great potential.

And the bathroom is fantastic.

If only you didn’t have to look at the outside to get to the inside…

According to the listing, it’s a “rare, beautiful new build… with all the attention and care given to match the neighborhood.” So, how does one do that when the final product doesn’t match any known style?

With a ceiling fan!

And a skylight!

Don’t forget the three, count’em three, greenhouses! (There’s even a fourth if you’re up for repairing it.) In addition, there is a “huge display garden [with] mature, unusual trees and shrubs, including one endangered species.”

After a long day of plant tending, both indoors and out, have a nice comfy lie-down in your cozy (aka small, 452 sq ft) yurt.

But I wasn’t paying attention and fell into the trap – the Time Machine Trap.

Assorted eras began to fly by, starting with the terrifically tiled 1950s…

segueing into the Kumbayah sentiment of the 1960s…

and landing in the citrus-loving 1970s.

Luckily, the trip ended with a timeless – and simply wonderful – backyard terrace.

Or a restatement of the Bauhaus aesthetic?

Is it a setting for a traditionally chandeliered, bay windowed bedroom?

Or an angular, multi-colored room of repose?

Is it a funky, modern sculpted, distressed floored music hall?

Or an overblown, Erté-infused Art Deco luxury bath?

Or maybe even just classic kitsch, aka folk “art”?

Or is all this confusion merely a misdirect to draw attention away from…

The Mysterious Backyard Hatch of Doom?!

A grand formal entry.

A power office as a backdrop for your redneck dream painting of a semi.

A killer rec-room with classic popcorn, Coke, and slot machines.

And the coolest thing money can buy…  Water.You.Can.Light.On.Fire!!!

In the (literal) man cave…

Behind a waterfall…

Even in the appropriately named hot tub…

Ahhh… Water, water everywhere, and every drop can burn!

Start small with, say, an interesting but unimposing fountain at the entry.

Move up in complexity by increasing the scale…

…and number of materials.

Then expand your stage…

…set the mood…

…and Yowza! They don’t call it Paradise Valley for nothing!!

To wit: The “Dukedom” of Chiltern, complete with opulent manor hall.

This stately dwelling features a reception hall fit to host monarchs…

…and a formal garden in which to enjoy one’s private moments.

From bottom to top, from the vaulted cellars…

…to the magnificent vista provided by the rooftop terrace, one’s new-found nobility will shine gloriously. Or would have…

…had this Dukedom not been The One That Got Away.

Yeah… some wanker beat us to it. Bugger that, then. (But a mate can dream, can’t he?)