Free rocks included with purchase of home.

Added bonus: Green stuff!

What’s that? Oh, you want to see what the house itself looks like? Okay, sure.

Here is a wall.

And here is some trim.

Oh, you wanted to see more? Fine.

No, you can’t see any photos of any of the rooms inside. Only tiny photos of the outside and weirdly-close photos of interior features.

My favorite bit from the listing description?

Many features from years of old still remain in place.

That is the nicest way I have ever heard an agent say “needs a ton of updates.”

This is a lovely mid-century modern home that looks to have been expertly updated, but some of what the listing agent chose to feature in their set of 64 photos is a little… odd. Does the Pottery-Barn-esque canvas laundry basket come with the listing? Why is it featured so prominently?

Okay, cool…I guess this photo is trying to show us that if you buy this house you can sit with pillows and browse a picture book? Cool, I guess…

Twigs in a vase. That’s it, I’m sold. I need this house.

There are photos of two other angles of this tub and shower in the listing so obviously this shot is just here to let us know that if we want to set a tray on the tub, we can. Good to know.

Beds: Also good for reading! Hang on though, I don’t think we’ve seen enough of that bed just yet. I wish there were another shot almost just like this one, but with the pillows in-focus.

Ah, there we go. Much better.

From the submitter:

As the listing states, it’s a rare opportunity to enjoy this pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! :)

I can see why they led with the double rainbow. The home itself is… Meh.

From the listing description:

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” lies a magnificent view from the home and the yard of this lovely home on Gleneagles. Walk through the doors that lead to a home far grander than it appears.

What does it mean?!?

Hmm this photograph does not quite match the listing description:

The front porch has a large stone arch giving the house a warm, inviting feel to it!

I make fun of the corny 3D renderings that some unfinished homes use for their listings, but I think this strategy is probably worse.

I especially love the weird burned-corners look of the digital floorplan drawings.

This listing is for a 680 square foot, single-bedroom condo in what looks like a relatively small building.

I guess when you’ve only got 680 square feet to photograph, you get a little bored…

Who could have guessed that 3745 Harriet Ave S would be located at the corner of 38th & Harriet?

So, is the buyer of this condo required to perform the “revolutionary Cuban cooking,” or do they just have to smell it all day every day?

Huh. So 3745 Harriet Ave S has the numbers 3745 on it. Weird.

If you thought you were going to get any photos of this 672 square foot, 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house offered for sale near Dallas for $70,000… You were wrong.

Instead, all you get is a picture of this portrait of an unknown lady.

The title of this post is taken from the listing description:

Be careful! Unlivable now. Extra large lot, 9 large oak trees make a perfect home site for living & entertaining. On the East & on the West, the homes are newer brick ones. Take this one; update it; maybe add on some square footage & you’ll have a wonderful home or a great flip. CAUTION: Be very careful – flooring is unstable & has trip hazards. Bring your flash light.

Good to know that there are 9 large oak trees. If a listing has any fewer than 7 I don’t even consider it.

Above: The primary listing photo for this $550,000 Philadelphia townhouse.

That’s a nice picture and all, but where’s the actual home for sale?

Nope, not here. But let’s have a closer look at the street art…

There are 14 photos on this listing. A grand total of two of those photos are of the inside of the actual home being sold:

So, basically the seller here is asking you to pay over half a million dollars for some historic scenery and funky mosaic art outside the home.

Summer’s a great time to take a dip in the pool with your shadow kids…

…or do… whatever it is those old guys on the right are doing.

I’ve always wanted a SimHouse of my very own.

Only one problem. If you and your shadow kids want the to buy house they’re supposedly going to build on this land…

…you’re going to have to evict the horse that lives there now.

I mean, that’s a pretty good size building after all.

What, the price is for only part of the building? OK. Um, how much of it?

492 square feet? Wait… wait… you’re telling me you want a quarter of a million dollars for a… a… a shoe box?

That’s it? that’s all there is? For how much?!

And I thought $1,000 for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes was extreme. At least there’s a commensurate shoe box to go with them in Seattle.

with modern lines and materials both inside…

and outside.

But there is one teensy issue…

It not only sits next to an early 20th century craftsman style home, but in an entire sea of homes from the same era…

Yup, there’s nothing like undisguised indifference to your surroundings for securing a friendly introduction to your new neighbors. Good luck with that!

What really cracks me up about the primary listing photo for this home is that the agent took the time to photoshop in a blue sky (as evidenced by the glowing edges of the trees) but didn’t bother to do anything about the overwhelming expanse of brown, dead front lawn.

I mean, if you’re going to market your listing with deceptive photos, why not go all the way?

Same story in the back… hey wait a minute, that’s the same exact sky.

And from another angle? Yet again, the same sky.

More glowing trees.

Even the park a few blocks down the street has the same sky. Incredible!

I think the listing agent should have just stuck with the classic Czech Sky. At least then they would have fit in.

That photo above is the primary listing photo, but I think we’re looking at the garage.

Here’s the main home:

Apparently the seller really likes green.

Like, a lot.

Looking to get away from it all? Middle Hardwood Island in its entirety can offer exactly that. Exceptional private island living with 3 adorable cottages all connected with walkways. Rocky shoreline down to sandy beach and your own private dock.

Apparently you can’t quite get away from everything, though…

To be honest, I really feel like that description is underselling the fact that you can buy an entire freakin’ island for just $750,000.

Granted, the “3 adorable cottages” are fairly modest.

But seriously, private island. In Maine. For under a million bucks.

It’s even got solar!

I am so sold on this place.

No word in the listing description about whether the pensive llamas are included in the $5.6 million list price.

Or the awkwardly staring cows.

But hey, at least the farm animals are set up to play a quick game of pickup basketball whenever the urge strikes:

One thing that confuses me a bit. Is this place called “Lestralaur Ranch”?

Or is it “October Farm”?

Actually maybe it’s both… The description says that the “Property includes two distinct farmhouse compounds…”

That’s definitely not a sentence you’re likely to read in many other home listings.

Whatever its name, it’s tough to argue with the fact that this is a pretty amazing piece of property:

Note that this property is located on San Juan Island in Washington State. And that lake in the photo has its own island. Who doesn’t want to own an island on an island?

Again from the listing description:

500 acre San Juan Valley Ranch. Surrounded by pristine acreage in the San Juan Valley, views to False Bay and the Olympic Mtns, and the sparkling, privately owned 50 acre Zylstra Lake- this is a rare opportunity to own such a beautiful part of San Juan Island.

If anything, that seems like an understatement.

This looks like it could be a pretty cool house. Too bad the listing agent apparently doesn’t want to show it to us. All we get is this one mostly-obscured outdoor shot plus…

A bunch of postage-stamp-sized photos.

It seems like with today’s technology you would have to make an extra effort to put up photos this small.

Whatever. I guess I’ll be taking my $5.5 million elsewhere.

It’s very important to me to know what my house will look like to birds.

And 20-foot-tall giants.

Very, very important.

Also sometimes I need to see what the neighbors’ houses look like to birds, as well.

Hi there stranger! Come buy my house!

Okay, let’s go inside now!

I’m just going to steal this guitar…

Okay bye!

You can’t see me!

You’re looking at the one and only listing photo on a $1.8 million FSBO listing on SW Florida’s Sanibel Island.

Based on Google Street View, real life is somewhat less colorful:

From the listing description:

Corner location with BEST VISIBILITY & HIGH traffic volume. On Periwinkle Way bike path, over 20k cars tourist pass this property every day. Approved for most retail use, including bank, beer wine, retail, food store. Take out and food most possible!

Thousands of tourists pass this location on the MAIN DRAG of Sanibel Island. Perfect location for your business! Also has two residential units on this property. Do what you want when you want it in Southwest Florida’s number one tourist destination beach island town… on the only commercial property for sale with grandfathered mixed usege.

Love that mixed usege.

For that matter, why bother blurring out your art, anyway?

What’s so secret about your paintings? Are they stolen, or just really tasteless?

I did find one piece of “art” that they didn’t bother to blur:

With an asking price of $2.65 million and presumably quite a nice riverfront view, you would think the agent would have take a photo or two that actually… you know… showed that view.

You would be wrong.

Apparently proper exposure and basic post-process layering are undiscovered skills in Tennessee.

This one’s not currently listed for sale, but it was when Spencer submitted it last month. With a for-sale-by-owner list price of $75 million.

I know it is totally serious because of the listing description:

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE HOME

The mud provides great insulation from the elements. The horse is loyal and won’t leave though the malnourishment may explain that. Nothing a bag of feed won’t cure.

Gotta love Zillow.

My luxury stove. Look at it.

My luxury wall. Look at it.

My luxury hand. Make peace with it.

My luxury movie room. Behold it in full Technicolor.

No idea what’s with the random turtle shot in the middle of this £2.75 ($4.36) million listing.

This UK manse was apparently owned by British star Kate Bush from 1985 to 2003, and is named after her debut single.

Nothing odd going on here. Just a totally real family in front of their totally real home.

With totally real cars parked in back.

And totally real transparent trees in the front yard.

Good thing home builders would never ever make misleading renderings with more spacious lots and bigger foliage than reality.

This $16.8 million listing is allegedly for a 4-bed, 3.5-bath 3,941 square foot home.

The listing contains thirty-two photos. Exactly two of those photos show any hint of the home.

Definitely worth $16.8 million, for sure.

The sellers of this $3.5 million South Florida pad are really proud of their lion fountains.

I mean really proud.

Just look at them.

Gaze upon their majesty.

Also, if you visit this home, prepare to be ambushed by herons as soon as you walk through the door. Just because.

You’re looking at the primary photo for this cheap Dallas condo. I’m not sure if the condo is hiding in the bush behind the dapper statue, or what exactly is going on here.

From the listing description:

Copperfield is the Best Kept Secret in Lake Highlands. Beautifully-treed and landscaped community with private and professional security. Community Mailbox, Clubhouse and Pool. Nothing to do but move-in and start enjoying the easy life.

Apparently “how to take decent listing photos” is also one of the best kept secrets in Lake Highlands.

Wait… what’s being sold here, a house or a $779,000 olde tyme baseball field?

Wow that super blown-out historic photo really adds to the listing. So much more useful than the modern shot below, don’t you think?

I also like the mix of the historic photos and what appear to be photos taken by some very modern “drone” equipment.

Sadly, from the looks of another of the aerial drone shots, what used to be a baseball field is apparently now mostly filled with other houses.

But hey, at least we’ve got the memories, right?

Sixteen photos of this $2.5 million listing, only one of which contains even a glimpse of the house itself. Instead, you get baby raccoons.

Oh right, you also get ridiculously-zoomed-in MEGA mountains.

The last “photo” on the listing urges you to “Click on the VIRTUAL TOUR link for many additional photos.” If you do, you don’t get any more photos of the actual $2.5 million house, but you do get this:

Mystical!

This listing is just for the land.

So why do so many of the photos feature the mid ’80s-era Champion RV?

$85,000 seems a bit much for a barren patch of desert, but if the sweet ride is included, that’s a different story!

I guess watching somebody walk their dog past your home is pretty exciting when you’re a stick figure.

Most of the rest of the photo set is pretty nice actually, good photos, clean, well-staged house, etc.

Then you get to the last photo…

Um, okay?