You’re looking at the primary photo for this listing. And Horse is looking at you.

Fully 25% of the photos for this listing are of the horse.

They’re also quite fond of the barn:

That photo in particular is in there twice.

Looking to get away from it all? Middle Hardwood Island in its entirety can offer exactly that. Exceptional private island living with 3 adorable cottages all connected with walkways. Rocky shoreline down to sandy beach and your own private dock.

Apparently you can’t quite get away from everything, though…

To be honest, I really feel like that description is underselling the fact that you can buy an entire freakin’ island for just $750,000.

Granted, the “3 adorable cottages” are fairly modest.

But seriously, private island. In Maine. For under a million bucks.

It’s even got solar!

I am so sold on this place.

No word in the listing description about whether the pensive llamas are included in the $5.6 million list price.

Or the awkwardly staring cows.

But hey, at least the farm animals are set up to play a quick game of pickup basketball whenever the urge strikes:

One thing that confuses me a bit. Is this place called “Lestralaur Ranch”?

Or is it “October Farm”?

Actually maybe it’s both… The description says that the “Property includes two distinct farmhouse compounds…”

That’s definitely not a sentence you’re likely to read in many other home listings.

Whatever its name, it’s tough to argue with the fact that this is a pretty amazing piece of property:

Note that this property is located on San Juan Island in Washington State. And that lake in the photo has its own island. Who doesn’t want to own an island on an island?

Again from the listing description:

500 acre San Juan Valley Ranch. Surrounded by pristine acreage in the San Juan Valley, views to False Bay and the Olympic Mtns, and the sparkling, privately owned 50 acre Zylstra Lake- this is a rare opportunity to own such a beautiful part of San Juan Island.

If anything, that seems like an understatement.

This one’s not currently listed for sale, but it was when Spencer submitted it last month. With a for-sale-by-owner list price of $75 million.

I know it is totally serious because of the listing description:

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE HOME

The mud provides great insulation from the elements. The horse is loyal and won’t leave though the malnourishment may explain that. Nothing a bag of feed won’t cure.

Gotta love Zillow.

At $1.2 million dollars, this home appears to be the only other listing in Detroit currently asking over a million dollars.

In the real estate business, this is known as “Not trying. Not even a little bit.”

Seriously, it would be difficult to take less useful and more terrible photos if you tried.

Gotta love all the clutter, too. It’s not just the agent that isn’t trying here.

Ever heard of this thing called a flash?

Anyway, mostly Detroit just makes me sad. I probably won’t be posting too many more houses from there, unless something really ridiculous comes up.

No idea what’s with the random turtle shot in the middle of this £2.75 ($4.36) million listing.

This UK manse was apparently owned by British star Kate Bush from 1985 to 2003, and is named after her debut single.

From the submitter:

If you’re not very fond of straight lines, you’re going to like it here.

Indeed. There’s nary a straight line nor edge to be found here.

Quite the interesting bedroom decor there, with the combination of the zebra-print sheets and… is that a clear plastic nightstand full of shredded paper?

Oh, hi there bird.

Um, what’s up guys?

Wow. Um… That’s one way to sell a house, I guess?

And that’s another way?

Okay um, what’s with the weird lines?

Sixteen photos of this $2.5 million listing, only one of which contains even a glimpse of the house itself. Instead, you get baby raccoons.

Oh right, you also get ridiculously-zoomed-in MEGA mountains.

The last “photo” on the listing urges you to “Click on the VIRTUAL TOUR link for many additional photos.” If you do, you don’t get any more photos of the actual $2.5 million house, but you do get this:

Mystical!

What’s that old saying? Half a house is better than none? This place sure does look like it’s the result of a split-the-assets-down-the-middle divorce. I hope whoever kept this half got to keep his/her Ray Bans, too…

…because with loads of shiny materials, white walls, and a waterfront location in a sunny climate You. ARE. Going. To. Need. Them.

…and not just outside.

You arguably might need a pool, too, given the local temps. Too bad all you get is a hot tub. No nicely designed surroundings, though. But you do get a steam room! (O_o)

Oh, and what looks like an expansive sodalite stone island in the ground floor outdoor kitchen. It’s visually cooling, but yeah… no. For a Miami house who’s price has risen eight fold in less than two years, you really do need a pool.

[addendum by Marty] – Also: lizard!

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Setting aside the chicken obsession, the quality of the photos in this particular set is actually quite nice.

The listing description is pretty funny though:

Quintessential jewel box cottage in bucolic arboreal setting, saturated w/ light & outcharming the competition by a mile. Fulfill all of your Martha fantasies: … All organic vegetable garden awaits spring planting + flowers galore in this prof landscaped oversized lot. And did I mention the chickens??

I’m not sure how this home will help me fulfill my Martha fantasies… never mind.

Sold in April for $785,000.

If that seems like a lot of money for a 3-bed, 1.75-bath house on a 6,000 square foot lot, just remember… chickens!

Yours for just 15 million dollars. Okay so I doubt the dog comes with the property. Probably not the truck or the horse, either.

You do get to keep these lovely tire tracks, though:

And this creepy cabin in the woods.

Plus: Bonus round concrete thing in a field!

Shut up and take my money!

From the virtual tour:

THIS IS NOT A HOUSE…

It is an Experience.

It is a Chipmunk.

It is an Owl.

It is a Hummingbird.

It is a Gang of Turkeys.

It is… um… a Hole. Made of Sticks.

Sadly this home was pulled from the market a few weeks ago, but gladly, the photos can all still be viewed in the virtual tour linked below.

Also, this video.

What, you wanted photos of the actual home that’s for sale for $3,500,000? Too bad. All you get is ducks.

Lots and lots of ducks.

Merry Christmas! Have a pair of Christmas Geese!

And… Um… a Christmas Heron?

How about a Christmas boat?

Um. What.

The listing describes a “magnificent 12 stall stable w/ every amenity.” I didn’t realize that dining with one’s horse was considered an “amenity.”

From the looks of this photo the stables are full-on attached directly to the house. Fascinating “feature.”

PRICED BELOW CERTIFIED APPRAISAL of $3.5 million.

Well okay, maybe if you offered them the CERTIFIED APPRAISAL amount, they would throw in PoolDog.

Gotta love the random faded-oval shot they threw in there.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that a bomb shelter with a cute little stepping stone path?

SOLD!

Odd choice… Normally listing agents don’t highlight the shortcomings of a property in the listing photos, but they are clearly showing us here that the property requires a significantly taller fence.

Of course, what the deer in this photo doesn’t know…

…is that the other side of the fence is a sheer cliff drop-off into water. Joke’s on you, deer.

Hrm. Not sure what this is supposed to convey about the home for sale. But okay.

Hey, maybe real horses aren’t your thing? How about a horse statue?

Horses not your thing at all? Okay, how about a painted lion statue?

I know I for one have always wanted to emulate the feeling of being hunted by an apex predator whenever I look out my back door.

These dogs wish they could get in, but unless they can find themselves some zebra disguises, they’re apparently going to be out of luck.

The individual who is selling attempting to sell this home really, really likes zebra print.

I mean, a lot. Also, what’s with the second toilet? why the bidet (relatively rare in American homes)? Did they just need another surface to put more zebra print on?

Zebra print stairs?!? That’s taking it to an entirely new level.

Place mats, cabinets, furniture, accessories… and a small statue of some kind of zebra-giraffe hybrid thrown in there for good measure.

Okay that last one doesn’t have any zebra print (incredibly), but I thought I’d bring it full circle with another pair of wistful dogs.

From the listing description:

This stunning property provides 4487 square feet of living space with 5 generous bedrooms and 4 luxurious bathes.

Only one of the “4 luxurious bathes” contain a ShowerDog but it’s not included in the $2,160,000 list price.

So… Does the canine connoisseur come with the home?

Also, what’s with the flower-broom?

For some reason they were proud enough of that for it to feature prominently in the first four photos.

Stared down by a dead moose in the primary photo. I guess that’s one way to sell a home. Gotta love that giant head over on the side, too.

Moose again.

Giant head again.

Price tag: $1.1 million

Nothing says “welcome to your new home” like three pairs of glowing animal eyes staring right at the camera in the primary listing photo.

Keep your windows closed at night unless you want to be kept up by the barking. Not from the neighbor’s dog. From the neighbors.

In case the numerous shots of the water earlier in the listing didn’t convince you, this sign at position 32 of the 34 listing photos should clear things up:

Also: America!

Buy this home and apparently you can get really up close and personal with the local wildlife. New reality TV coming to TLC this fall: Elk Staring Contest.

Also: free sign!

I hope you like wood paneling. Scratch that. I hope you are madly in love with wood paneling, because that’s all we got. In every room.

Whoa. Wait. What?

This home comes with its own herd of elephants? Tell me more.

Okay, so despite the above action shot being the primary listing photo, the listing description does not give me any more details about the elephants. But there is one other shot that appears to show them, as well as some other animals (maybe horses?):

I guess when you have 165 acres in the middle of nowhere, you can do all kinds of crazy cool things.

Custom built Moroccan style home… mosaic tiles crafted & imported from Morocco.

The architecture, the walls, the ceilings, the floor coverings, the furniture… All on-theme.

Wait a minute… Are those Moroccan parakeets chilling in that birdcage in the afternoon shade?

Well done.

Dude, nice catch.

It’s a bit ironic that I found this particular showcase of dead animals in a home whose address is on “Lively Lane.”

It’s also a bit strange to me that the room with all of the disembodied animal heads opens directly into the dining room and kitchen.

Maybe it’s some type of mental diet. A form of psychological appetite suppressant, if you will.