Ooh… it even has a cool castley type door!

OK, the “throne room” is a bit tacky, but at least it’s in keeping with the theme.

Wait a sec… this hand carved wood is probably supposed to be a wolf, but it sure looks like Anubis, Egyptian guardian of the underworld. Huh…

And this kinda reminds me of… an indoor gallows room?

I’m not sure I want to know where that lower stair leads, let alone… This Terrifying Tunnel!

A dungeon? Really? That’s carrying the theme a bit far, don’t you think?

What do you mean, there’s “more”? Oh no no no no no… not a… Subterranean Sacrificial Altar!!

Sweet Jesus, there’s even a convenient drain!

How’s that? It’s really just an old brewery?

Well, OK. But if I promise never to drink beer again, can you promise me I’ll never have to go inside it? Please?!

Just 22 minutes from downtown Portland, this $7.2 million manse has pretty much everything…

Outside, it’s all castle. Inside…

…it’s also castle.

Except when it’s desert oasis.

Or Arabic domes.

Or giant… ceiling… compass?

Okay, back to castle.

Nope, just kidding. Time for a modern theater.

Or how about this rainbow workout room?

Okay let’s close on the castle watchtower.

It’s certainly nice, but you’d think they would be able to decide on just one style.

To wit: The “Dukedom” of Chiltern, complete with opulent manor hall.

This stately dwelling features a reception hall fit to host monarchs…

…and a formal garden in which to enjoy one’s private moments.

From bottom to top, from the vaulted cellars…

…to the magnificent vista provided by the rooftop terrace, one’s new-found nobility will shine gloriously. Or would have…

…had this Dukedom not been The One That Got Away.

Yeah… some wanker beat us to it. Bugger that, then. (But a mate can dream, can’t he?)

…whose crowned porcupine crest appears in solid marble above the impressive entry

…who enjoy an indoor palm forest

…who feel the need for a terrace pavilion styled on a Greek temple

…and who choose the company of contemplative statuary on warm spring evenings.

The listing agent claims that they are selling an “impressive red brick castle residence” for $4.3 million. Good luck finding it, though!

Oh, there it is.

From the listing description:

Listed on the National Register of Historic Places, the impressive red brick Castle residence with tower, on approx. .43 acre, has been exactingly restored from the ground up, and comes with a newly restored pool house, three-bedroom main house and a wonderful heated gunite pool, set in the heart of Southampton Village, easy distances to shopping, restaurants, and beaches. The master bedroom, located in the turret, includes a beautiful free-standing soaking tub. Two bedroom suites occupy the lower level. A specifications list of restoration details is available, and the lavish landscaping maximizes privacy.

I don’t know what a “heated gunite pool” is, but I want one. I need one.

As a man once said, “If the directions to your house include the words ‘Turn off the paved road,’ you might be a redneck.”

Addendum: Even if you live in a “castle.”

Or, rather, a caricature of a castle.

What self-respecting castle owner has garage doors in the front? Or even a garage, instead of a carriage house?

More in the caricature mode – simulated stone ramparts via gray brick and The. Worst. Ceiling. Mural. Ever.

There’s also some decorative multiple personality disorder going on.

Perhaps most odd, it’s in no-where northern Illinois and is accompanied by some sort of maintenance shed that’s as big as said “castle.”

[Note from Marty: The listing describes it as a “10,000 SF HEATED BARN WITH 8 HORSE STALLS.” The “castle” is 8,500 square feet. That’s one big barn.]

Just because you like castles and want a castle, doesn’t mean you should have a castle…

I’ve seen a good number of modern US homes made to look like castles, but this Connecticut listing takes the cake.

Like, it’s not even a close competition.

Half an acre… That’s not the lot size, that’s the size of the house. It sits on 75 acres, which includes most of a very large pond.

It doesn’t let up inside. Check out the sky painted on the ceiling in the kitchen:

Am I really looking at someone’s home here, or is this some kind of amusement park?

$45 million bucks and it’s yours.

I found this flyover of the property on YouTube:

From the sounds of the stories of this place I found strewn across the Internet, the home and its owner have a… let’s say “colorful” history:

• Mysterious Fortress: Entrepreneur rankles some local residents, Woodstock officials
• A Man’s Home is His Castle…
• A Millionaire Steel Mogul With A Petting Zoo Refuses To Pay Child Support
• Woodstock Castle Makes for Unusual Tale (Google Cache, page 2)

$45 million would probably pay quite a bit of past-due child support.

Here are some choice quotes from a few of the above articles:

Until recently, a Web site, www.castle-models.com, advertised that an international modeling agency was operating at the castle, which is in a residential area. The Web site displayed pictures of young women listing their “ethnic look,” measurements and details such as the number of piercings and tattoos they have.

An excerpt from the mission statement listed on the Web site said, “Just one look at the shapely form of beautiful women brings about physiological changes that our senses will not allow our minds to deceive, nor pretend does not exist. And with the laws of attraction in hand, comes desire, intrigue, and lust, which man has learned to exploit and sell as if it were a commodity.”

The Web site listed a rate of $125 per hour for a model to do a photo shoot, with a two-hour minimum requirement.

Whoa, that isn’t slimy at all.

If this waiver were to be granted it would be, in my opinion, the first step in a long carefully planned out process of turning this property into a cross between the Playboy mansion and Disneyland. … The castle is reported to have a TV and media studio where they can broadcast “live webcasts”. Did I mention the shower large enough for parties or the glass floor, the zoo or the 50’ bar? Do you see a pattern here?

Totally on the up-and-up.

The animals on the castle property also came up in the [2010 divorce] case. Mark has long run a nonprofit refuge for exotic animals called Wilderness Kingdom, Inc. Since 2004, the property has been licensed by the U.S. Department of Agriculture as a traveling zoo.

When a camel died in 2010, both Mark and Galt alleged the other was neglectful. In a motion filed on June 25, 2010, Galt claimed “the animals are not being properly taken care of” and “a camel on the property has recently died.”

In an email to Galt written on July 3, 2010, Mark countered that “when you sent the workers home and animals were not fed for 4 days, the camel lost a lot of weight since and died last week.”

Not sure how a castle this size can be a “traveling zoo,” but okay, whatever.

“I designed it and manufactured a lot of the components, it was a struggle building,” [owner Christopher Mark] says of the castle. But he’s clearly reluctant to provide more information about his unusual home. He asks if he could have someone cowrite the story with me. He says, “I’m worried because there’s been so much BS written about it.”

After I say no to a cowriter, he says he’ll call me back. He doesn’t. Three days later I try him again. Mark answers and again is friendly without providing details about the castle. He says he will have someone call me back later. Two days pass. I call again. No answer. About a week later I call one more time, a woman answers and says Mark will call back, he doesn’t.

Yeah, it’s all “BS.” So of course why would the owner be interested in sharing the truth?

Anyway he’s obviously tired of dealing with such a terrible burden, so why doesn’t someone just take this place off his hands. Come on, forty-five million bucks is a bargain you guys.

Sweet castle.

Only one problem…

…inside (if you can call it that), is a bit of a disaster.

“Needs work,” in listing agent speak.

$1.4 million seems a bit high to me for a few castle walls and a burned-out, weathered shell in southern Florida, a.k.a. Hurricane Central.

It’s Dracula’s castle! For sale!

Okay so I wasn’t technically able find an actual “listing” for this one, since the sale offering is apparently being handled by a law firm. There are lots of photos on this article, as well as info about how much the castle will set you back.

The asking price is reportedly in the $80 million-range, though “If someone comes in with a reasonable offer, we will look at who they are, what they are proposing, and will seriously entertain the idea,” says Mark Meyer, who works for the New York law firm in charge of the sale.

The photos in this post are from a great set taken by Flickr user Kyle Taylor.

Open houses will only be held after sundown.

Be sure to also check out the castle’s official website: Bran-Castle.com

Yup, I’m a sucker for castles

Even totally fake castles that were actually built in 1996.

I mean, look at that roof line. What’s not to love?

Inside is pretty sweet too, with lots of hardwood.

And then they had to go and ruin it with carpet and tacky ceiling fans. Oh and also by putting it in Fort Worth, Texas.

This is just the gatehouse for the castle, and it’s nearly 4,000 square feet.

Sadly, the castle this gate used to lead to was long since demolished.

I am really digging the over-the-top detail, both inside and out. The stairs!

The library! The kitchen cabinets!

If you’d like to read a little more about the history of this house, hit up this Washington Post article.

This 8,215 square foot castle in Wayne, Illinois sold on Halloween for $1,000,000.

It sits on 15 acres.

Also: It is awesome.

You can read more about the history of this home here.

Sadly, it has fallen into a bit of disrepair.

Here’s hoping the new owners will take good care of it.

Where does the lawn end and the home begin? I wonder if they make lawn mowers that can flip up 90 degrees and mow the wall.

Actually this home looks like it could be pretty sweet to live in.

You know, if you’re into the whole castle / story book / fairy tale thing.

But let’s be honest… who isn’t?

Who wants a castle? In remote, rural Washington State.

I mean it is pretty cool. But $1.4 million?

Oh, there’s is a pool table? SOLD.

[Update 2014-02-19]
Ten months and three price drops later, this beauty is still on the market, now at a price 41% lower than when we first posted it. Just $825,000 for your very own castle, what a steal!