Wow. That is a lot of grey and blue.

What kind of person builds a one-color house like that?

I guess the same kind of person that puts 9 statues at the top of a giant staircase in the back yard.

Maybe it’s better inside?

NOPE.

From the listing description:

This is a one of a kind property that you must see in Rancho Del Rey area within Chula Vista. The property has been known around the neighborhood as the house with the clock or the marble house. Take advantage of this rare opportunity. The 2769 sq. ft. house is located in a cul de sac with its privacy and on a rare 13,000 square foot lot. If you like entertaining this will the property for you. It has so many different distinct features. with a pool.

“So many different distinct features.”

The listing agent claims that they are selling an “impressive red brick castle residence” for $4.3 million. Good luck finding it, though!

Oh, there it is.

From the listing description:

Listed on the National Register of Historic Places, the impressive red brick Castle residence with tower, on approx. .43 acre, has been exactingly restored from the ground up, and comes with a newly restored pool house, three-bedroom main house and a wonderful heated gunite pool, set in the heart of Southampton Village, easy distances to shopping, restaurants, and beaches. The master bedroom, located in the turret, includes a beautiful free-standing soaking tub. Two bedroom suites occupy the lower level. A specifications list of restoration details is available, and the lavish landscaping maximizes privacy.

I don’t know what a “heated gunite pool” is, but I want one. I need one.

Check out those groovy ’60s curves.

Inside is just as groovy, if perhaps a bit of a brick overload…

Those large white overhangs certainly make for an interesting effect inside.

If you live in the Chicago area, don’t expect this unique home to host an open house:

PRIOR TO CONFIRMED APPT PROSPECTIVE CLIENTS TO PROVIDE PROOF OF FUNDS TO LISTER!

You can tell they are serious because of the all-caps and the exclamation point.

Okay so this place was on Curbed a couple months ago, but it’s just way too over-the-top not to post here.

I think this is the living room? Maybe?

Nothing like a gold torso next to the bed to set the mood.

Speaking of beds… I love how this one is just right out in the open as you come down the stairs. Nope, nothing unsavory is going on in this place at all.

Why would brand new construction have a dog shrine closet? The rest of the house looks normal enough, so what the heck is going on with this closet?

Also, the only exterior photos are drawings. Does this home really exist or is it just some kind of trap placed by intelligent canines hoping to lure in unsuspecting humans for a game of fetch?