At $1.2 million dollars, this home appears to be the only other listing in Detroit currently asking over a million dollars.

In the real estate business, this is known as “Not trying. Not even a little bit.”

Seriously, it would be difficult to take less useful and more terrible photos if you tried.

Gotta love all the clutter, too. It’s not just the agent that isn’t trying here.

Ever heard of this thing called a flash?

Anyway, mostly Detroit just makes me sad. I probably won’t be posting too many more houses from there, unless something really ridiculous comes up.

Yours for just 15 million dollars. Okay so I doubt the dog comes with the property. Probably not the truck or the horse, either.

You do get to keep these lovely tire tracks, though:

And this creepy cabin in the woods.

Plus: Bonus round concrete thing in a field!

Shut up and take my money!

Okay, it’s adorable when your kids want to play dress-up, but is that really something that you should be including in the marketing photos when you’re trying to sell your home?

Yes, we can see that your dogs are quite obedient. Look at them sit.

Okay now the kids just look unamused. Perhaps the photographer overstayed his or her welcome?

Yup. Dogs are still there. Good dogs.

PRICED BELOW CERTIFIED APPRAISAL of $3.5 million.

Well okay, maybe if you offered them the CERTIFIED APPRAISAL amount, they would throw in PoolDog.

Gotta love the random faded-oval shot they threw in there.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that a bomb shelter with a cute little stepping stone path?

SOLD!

Why would brand new construction have a dog shrine closet? The rest of the house looks normal enough, so what the heck is going on with this closet?

Also, the only exterior photos are drawings. Does this home really exist or is it just some kind of trap placed by intelligent canines hoping to lure in unsuspecting humans for a game of fetch?

These dogs wish they could get in, but unless they can find themselves some zebra disguises, they’re apparently going to be out of luck.

The individual who is selling attempting to sell this home really, really likes zebra print.

I mean, a lot. Also, what’s with the second toilet? why the bidet (relatively rare in American homes)? Did they just need another surface to put more zebra print on?

Zebra print stairs?!? That’s taking it to an entirely new level.

Place mats, cabinets, furniture, accessories… and a small statue of some kind of zebra-giraffe hybrid thrown in there for good measure.

Okay that last one doesn’t have any zebra print (incredibly), but I thought I’d bring it full circle with another pair of wistful dogs.

From the listing description:

This stunning property provides 4487 square feet of living space with 5 generous bedrooms and 4 luxurious bathes.

Only one of the “4 luxurious bathes” contain a ShowerDog but it’s not included in the $2,160,000 list price.

So… Does the canine connoisseur come with the home?

Also, what’s with the flower-broom?

For some reason they were proud enough of that for it to feature prominently in the first four photos.

Nothing says “welcome to your new home” like three pairs of glowing animal eyes staring right at the camera in the primary listing photo.