From the listing:

Extreme Fire Damage From Fire 4/17/2013

Gotta love that they used what appears to be a photo of the home actually on fire as the primary photo.

Yup, looks like a total loss.

The price isn’t too bad for a lot in that area, so I guess it’s not surprising that the listing is pending.

What really cracks me up about the primary listing photo for this home is that the agent took the time to photoshop in a blue sky (as evidenced by the glowing edges of the trees) but didn’t bother to do anything about the overwhelming expanse of brown, dead front lawn.

I mean, if you’re going to market your listing with deceptive photos, why not go all the way?

Same story in the back… hey wait a minute, that’s the same exact sky.

And from another angle? Yet again, the same sky.

More glowing trees.

Even the park a few blocks down the street has the same sky. Incredible!

I think the listing agent should have just stuck with the classic Czech Sky. At least then they would have fit in.

That photo above is the primary listing photo, but I think we’re looking at the garage.

Here’s the main home:

Apparently the seller really likes green.

Like, a lot.

Sadly the listing has only the one photo, so we don’t get to see what this patriot’s home looks like inside.

However, we do get to see what the patriot selling this home looks like, thanks to a local news article published in 2008: Everett man’s face a portrait of patriotism

That’s not face paint.

That is a tattoo.

From the Everett Herald article:

He wants people to read the words inked into his skin and think about them, a walking testament to free speech. They are saturated with a love for his adopted country that he has carried for decades.

At Bloomfield’s house, it’s always the Fourth of July.

He grew up poor in an island hut on Tonga, where they see the sunrise before the rest of the world. He stowed away on a boat from American Samoa to California, and later got his green card in 1976.

He was drawn by stories of opportunity and images of money as abundant as suburban grass clippings.

But it takes hard work to live here, he says, and that’s a lesson he shares with his children and grandchildren. He spends his days cutting and packaging crab and salmon at a seafood warehouse.

He pumps iron every other day, his 58-year-old body a carefully maintained canvas filled with provocative words, phrases and pictures.

I wonder why he’s selling?

I do think they’re missing a golden opportunity here by not pricing this thing at $177,600.

It starts with crudely-corrected crooked exterior shots, and it just gets weirder when you go inside…

Nothing like a creepy over-the-top cat-themed bathroom to make you feel at home.

Also important to note: The doors do in fact go all the way to the floor. Well, this door, anyway.

Someone seems to have desaturated the kitchen.

Um, nice… heater… I guess.

With a primary photo like that it’s hard to imagine why this home hasn’t sold after 100 days on the market in one of the hottest real estate markets ever. Wait, no. No, it’s not hard to imagine.

Such natural colors inside.

Do not want to know what is making that bathroom glow so yellow like that.

I’ll buy that sweet tie-wearing, mustachioed beaver, though. Five bucks.

I somewhat doubt that when this place was built it was originally occupied by the “Church of Divine Man Spiritual Teaching Center.”

It does have all the features of a classic church building though.

A big stained-glass window…

A full-on sanctuary…

Even a run-down church office.

I’m not sure if anyone told the congregation at the Spiritual Teaching Center about this sale, because their website seems to indicate business as usual with Meditation, Healing, Clairvoyance, and Kundalini Classes all still humming along.

$625,000 and it’s yours. Of course if you’re going to buy it the clairvoyant sellers probably already know, so no need to call your real estate agent. The seller’s agent will call you.

It’s always a good sign when the listing agent is apparently too afraid to set foot on the property they’re selling.

There are only a couple of different photos you can take from the street.

I should rephrase. There are only a couple of different useful photos you can take from the street.

$45,000. No bedrooms or bathrooms. No foundation. Just a garage. On the water.

Oh and you still have to pay rent, apparently.

Boat house was re floated and a new remote garage door installed water space rent is approximately $520 per month.

What a deal!

Seems like a fairly unassuming home. The local paper has the scoop on its minor real estate celebrity status: ‘Twin Peak’ home for sale

The Everett home of fictional murdered homecoming queen Laura Palmer and her maniacal parents is on the market.
Marilyn Pettersen, 80, is selling the Rucker Hill house where she and her late husband, Pete, raised five children. The white Dutch colonial with the wide front steps was used in the 1990 show’s pilot episode and the 1992 movie prequel “Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me.”

It seems nice enough. Certainly very well-kept for an 84-year-old home.

The price seems somewhat high for the area though. It sounds like the current owners may be banking on the home’s brief screen time boosting its value quite a bit. It will be interesting to see how that strategy pans out.

This home sports what is easily the skinniest kitchen I have ever laid eyes on. If you’re overweight, you’d need to go on a diet just to squeeze in there and use your sink.

Okay, to be fair, the whole kitchen is actually pretty big:

It’s just that, for some reason they decided not to put the sink and dishwasher out in the usable space, and instead opted to shove them in what basically amounts to a closet.

The weirdest part about it all is that judging by the finishes, the kitchen appears to have been remodeled relatively recently.

Worst kitchen work triangle ever.

It looks like such a nice, unassuming little house…

But then… you walk inside… and you see… Them.

Figurines, action figures, tchotchkes, dolls…

Call them what you will, they’re *everywhere*. ‘Kaaay… that’s weird.

But Wait! There’s more!! Even a brief sojourn to The Underworld (aka The Basement) will reveal…

The Lair of the Evil Genius, where all of Them were brought to Life!!!

Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!!

Whoa. Sensory overload.

I… um… what.

I think that’s the kitchen? Not really sure how you prepare food when nearly every surface is covered with tchotchkes.

Is that a bed? How is anyone supposed to even sit on it, let alone lie down, when two thirds of it is covered in pillows?

Good luck sleeping. I imagine that even when you close your eyes, this home’s decor will haunt your dreams.

Notice that they even have art on the wall under the table next to the bed!

Sure, why not. What better place to put a statue than dead center in front of your front door?

Wowzers.

Sometimes it seems like the listing agent just isn’t really trying to sell the home.

And sometimes it seems like they’re actively trying not to sell it.

I didn’t even know this was a contest, but apparently we already have a winner: most appearances of Marilyn Monroe in a single listing.

And the photos featured in this post aren’t even all of the Marilyns in this house. I count seven appearances.

Because sometimes you just want to go into your bathroom to sit down and relax, and what better place than right between the toilet and the shower.

The listing description declares this home to be

A rare opportunity in North Everett.

It is rare indeed to find so many different wallpapers and patterned carpets in a single home.

You could close your eyes in this bedroom, but the wallpaper is so bright it will probably keep you up unless you spring for a sleep mask.

I appreciate how they appear to have gone to great lengths to find the perfect curtains to match the different wallpapers in every room.

No walls to wallpaper? No problem! Just find some patterned carpet, instead!

Even when you think that the wall is just a plain white color, if you look closely you’ll see that it is still actually wallpaper.