There isn’t really anything all that amusing about the photos on this one, but the listing description is hall of fame material:

You’re on the beach. The Amalfi Coast, say . .. The sun glints off the waves as Bougainvillea rustles in the breeze, turning the stucco every color from purple to gold. A sound makes you turn to see a pelican not 20 feet away . .. followed by a flock of 12, floating in a perfect V. Gratitude washes over you as you wonder how life could possibly get any better. Well . .. What if your seaside paradise was right here in Malibu? On a deep, dry beach, on a private road off PCH, with enormous wraparound decks, a breath-taking oceanfront master suite, a great room with chef-designed kitchen and a Club Room where you can screen movies or host a wine tasting from your 500 bottle wine cellar. All of this, plus multiple fireplaces, an exterior kitchen, your very own orange grove and views . .. from Palos Verdes to Point Dume. You’ve been promising yourself a reward and this is it. New construction from Jaman Properties: “The Sandcastle”

The listing description:

Charming Craftsman Bungalow w/ a brand new 2story foundation w/ permits. Updated Electrical. Master Bedrm w/ New Bath & walk-in Clst. Garage transformed into cool hangout space. Front yrd is a damn orchard. Only 3 fams have lived here. Plus rm is perfect for future kitchenReno or?

Uh huh. I guess in this listing agent’s world, “orchard” is a word that means “crudely photoshopped mess.”

What’s the deal with these overpriced Oakland homes including “creative” additions to the primary listing photo?

Hey, wait a minute…

(Checks last week’s similar listing)

Yup. Both homes were listed by Ron Kriss of Lawton Associates. Well, he certainly knows how to get my attention, that’s for sure.

A few photos later we get to see what the “damn orchard” really looks like:

And courtesy of Google Street View, here’s a look at what it looked like before they decided to orchard-ize it:

Last sold less than two years ago for $595,000. With the new landscaping and fresh coat of paint, this one smells an awful lot like a flip. With a sale price of $850,000, I’d say a pretty successful flip, too.

I have to say though, I don’t really “get” the staging:

Turns out this isn’t Ron Kriss’ only listing with a super-fake front yard, either. Here’s another I found in a quick search: 976 57th St., Oakland, CA 94608

Okay Ron, you’re going to have to step up your game if you want to be featured on these pages again. We’re onto your tricks.

You’re looking at the primary listing photo for this nearly-million-dollar near-the-beach house in Encinitas, CA.

Here’s the second photo:

The photos are almost as good as the listing description:

Go for a surf at the beach, then come home and crash in your hammock in the backyard. Get a golden lab named Buck and a cat named Trouble. Get a pet door and a barbecue. One thing you won’t need to get is a life. One thing you will get is everyone pissed off at you for living the life they’d like to live. This is the woodsy beach house at the end of the road that everybody wants.

Ironically, that photo isn’t the last in the set, it’s the third of sixteen photos, only three of which feature the interior of the actual house.

That must be a seriously special mailbox.

This is what I imagine a $3.3 million home would look like if a nuclear weapon had just been detonated ten or twenty miles behind the photographer.

The interior is just as unnaturally bright. Somehow even the black cupboards appear to be emitting a radiant glow.

That is a lot of drawers and sliding doors. I think this is a hallway but it almost looks like a closet full of closets.

When your landscaper doesn’t stop at the front door… rocks on the floor, inside the house.

Don’t miss the listing description, either. The listing agent for this home, one Wendy Lister (because when your name “Lister” of course you’re going to become a real estate agent), is fairly notorious in the Seattle area for her expensive listings and over-the-top prose:

Extraordinary Big Sur extended profile. . a statement of authority above the astonishing saltwater isle/view plateau. Moments of appreciation ~ subtle to sensational. Elongated entrance foyer, unprecedented. Protracted hall of wardrobes to two substantial owner suites. Without reservation, the colossal great-room of white terrazzo, brilliant seascape spectacles, the sheer volume are powerful. Remarkable: pool, resort-size cabana (fpl, bath), tennis, coach house, gated. 3 more living zones.

It’s no “egrets seek the sky, involuntary sigh,” but I still call it listing gold.

Straight from the listing agent’s description:

Must access thru adjacent unit 712, then thru hole in bsmt wall.

Um. What.

There is a front door… At least it certainly looks like there is. Why on Earth would I need to break into the adjacent unit then crawl through a hole in the basement wall?!?

Um, the blurry kitchen pic isn’t really helping here, guys.

Oh good. Another hole in the wall. Maybe this one leads to a magical kingdom!

The listing description is what really brings home this “Make Me Move” listing:

A complete tear down, may have toxic substances, such as lead and lead paint, asbestos tiles, old paint spills, oil spills, huge amounts of scrap waste throughout the property including two decaying travel trailers, dozens of old tires, oil tank for the oil furnace won’t meet code, knob and tube wiring, foundation won’t meet code, unfinished ceilings in both bedrooms, mold in kitchen and bath and probably inside the walls. Best thing is the septic passed inspection, although we believe it was passed as a favor to us.

Bulldozing and burning the entire property probably won’t be enough to sterilize this toxic wasteland dump.

I certainly hope that all the problems with this property already made them move!

Heh, I love that they uploaded a “Photos unavailable at this time” image. Although I would have enjoyed seeing some of the toxic decaying scrap waste, too.

Other than the very creative photo featured above, most of the pictures on this listing are your typical multi-million-dollar beachfront fare.

What really makes this listing stand out (other than the $23M price tag) is the public agent remarks. Here’s an excerpt, slightly reformatted to better fit the form:

If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.
Space gluttons and possessors missing intimacy in bloom.

Fashion above the fray and vulgarity of wealth display.
Privacy, senses heightened, walking on water everyday.

Behold the surround and ever changing interplay:
Cumulus, clear blues, cliffs, caves, sea rocks and ocean spray.

Power on the point, perched above cove cradled bluffs, surf and sands.
Bathing in the soulful infinity of the sun’s warm hands.

All around Herons, Gulls and Egrets seek the sky.
Adoring trees offer branches and watch them fly.
Joyful dolphins jumping, involuntary sigh.

Now that is an agent that is actually earning their commission.

Also of note: The location of the listing is marked as an “undisclosed address,” but from the photos it is pretty easy to spot the home on Google Maps, placing it at 31885 Circle Dr., Laguna Beach, CA 92651