100% tasteful.

Located on a $2.25 million half-acre lot in Malibu.

Fully stocked.

Oh look, lemons!

Inside is mostly bland, except for this bathroom…

Why would you need a mirror on the ceiling?

There isn’t really anything all that amusing about the photos on this one, but the listing description is hall of fame material:

You’re on the beach. The Amalfi Coast, say . .. The sun glints off the waves as Bougainvillea rustles in the breeze, turning the stucco every color from purple to gold. A sound makes you turn to see a pelican not 20 feet away . .. followed by a flock of 12, floating in a perfect V. Gratitude washes over you as you wonder how life could possibly get any better. Well . .. What if your seaside paradise was right here in Malibu? On a deep, dry beach, on a private road off PCH, with enormous wraparound decks, a breath-taking oceanfront master suite, a great room with chef-designed kitchen and a Club Room where you can screen movies or host a wine tasting from your 500 bottle wine cellar. All of this, plus multiple fireplaces, an exterior kitchen, your very own orange grove and views . .. from Palos Verdes to Point Dume. You’ve been promising yourself a reward and this is it. New construction from Jaman Properties: “The Sandcastle”

Crooked, blurry primary photo, taken from an odd angle? Check.

Weirdly-sparse, poorly-lit interior shot? Check.

Horribly exposed shot of the view, taken through a window with lots of distracting reflections? Check.

Death ray in the bathroom? Check.

Okay, looks like we’ve got everything. We’re ready to sell a five million dollar home in Malibu!

Behold the two million dollar kitchen.

Two million dollar weeds.

And the two million dollar living room, with the two million dollar floor.

Listing claims that the home sports “ocean views,” but conveniently fails to include any photos of said views.

Oh did I mention this place is in Malibu? That might have something to do with the price. Maybe.

Because why wouldn’t you want to spend $9.2 million to live in a home that looks like some kind of factory from a futuristic movie, or maybe a mega-church’s building?

The architecture is definitely unique, but the interiors are a bit too sterile for my tastes.

Interesting decor in what I’m assuming is the kid’s bedroom.

I do like the simplicity of the pool though. Just a clean blue rectangle on a trimmed lawn, with a great view. That’s my kind of relaxation.

I think this is the first time I’ve seen a workout room that’s basically outdoors.

I guess when you live on 4 acres along a canyon in Malibu you’re not too worried about inclement weather or thieves.

Workout equipment outdoors, a motorcycle indoors… It’s inside-out house!

From the listing description:

Original owner believed there was a buried Spanish gold treasure in the large rock next to the house and spent many years digging three mine shafts to try to find it. It is unknown if he was successful.

Ri-iiight.

Who wants to spend over half a million dollars to go spelunking down some crazy guy’s hand-dug shaft? Anyone?

Heh, I think “fixer kitchen” might be something of an understatement here.

Oh that’s what this is. A roof. Good thing they annotated all the photos otherwise how could I have possibly known what I am looking at here.

I happened upon this one while I was browsing expensive listings in Southern California a few months back. Yes, those are two authentic segments of the Berlin Wall. More about the estate at the Wall Street Journal