See, all the dangerous influences of a society “out of control” can be overcome.

[P.S. – This listing went off the market but you can still find the photos over on Zillow.]

This is a nice looking place.

Hey, wait a minute… is this actually a cave?

Yup, looks like a cave. Who needs windows, I guess?

At least the finishes are nice, so you have something pleasant to look at while you’re not looking out any windows.

Okay, okay, I jest.

If you want some sunlight, just look up!

Here’s how the listing agent pitches this house:

Finally, a home as unique as you are! Unique Dale Percy design, underground home on 1.3Acres. Look no further for a fabulous, energy efficient, eco-friendly home design.

Fabulous!

But I wasn’t paying attention and fell into the trap – the Time Machine Trap.

Assorted eras began to fly by, starting with the terrifically tiled 1950s…

segueing into the Kumbayah sentiment of the 1960s…

and landing in the citrus-loving 1970s.

Luckily, the trip ended with a timeless – and simply wonderful – backyard terrace.

Water… check.

Wood… check.

Stone… check.

Window treatments… not so much.

Just remember, as much as you can see out, others can see in.

Hi there stranger! Come buy my house!

Okay, let’s go inside now!

I’m just going to steal this guitar…

Okay bye!

You can’t see me!

Where do you even find someone to build you a crazy custom house like this?

Does the phone book have a section for “fantasy architects”?

Haha just kidding as if anyone uses a phone book anymore.

Seriously why do they even make phone books still? I wonder if you could grind up unused phone books and mix them with water and a bit of glue to make a type of sculpting clay, then use that clay to build a house like this.

Oh and if the printed baby face pillow isn’t creepy enough for you, how about this shot?

This next shot is the view you get when you wake up and find that the dolls have stolen one of your kidneys to sell on the black market.

Just lie down and relax. Here, this soothing wallpaper should help.

This place is a real piece of work.

If you had $1.3 million to spend, I bet you thought you could buy a house.

Nope. You just get guard towers.

Okay so technically they’re tree stands for hunting.

Whatever they are, you obviously get a lot of them with this listing.

All so you can shoot guns over this lovely swampland.

This lovely $1,300,000 swampland.

What, you wanted photos of the actual home that’s for sale for $3,500,000? Too bad. All you get is ducks.

Lots and lots of ducks.

This is just the gatehouse for the castle, and it’s nearly 4,000 square feet.

Sadly, the castle this gate used to lead to was long since demolished.

I am really digging the over-the-top detail, both inside and out. The stairs!

The library! The kitchen cabinets!

If you’d like to read a little more about the history of this house, hit up this Washington Post article.

There’s definitely something to be said for choosing a theme and going all out on it.

Something to be said… What was it…

Ooh, a boat!

Ooh, a bird!

Wait, what were we talking about?

You’re looking at the primary photo for this listing in Maryland on the Delmarva Peninsula.

I also really like the unreadable watermark that somebody squirted right onto the middle of all the photos. So classy.

Nothing says “I deserve to earn a 3% commission of $50,000” like misspelling the word “responsibility” on the primary listing photo. I’m digging the double copyright overlay, too. So classy.

Also, I’m really curious to know what definition of “ecological” includes a 6,500 square foot home.

I was trying to figure out what could have inspired the… bold color scheme in this living room, then it hit me:

Okay the living room is basically unbearable unless you happen to be a salt water fish… but they do have a pretty sweet barn.

So there is that.

“You know what I need? A house with a 35-seat situation room.”

Wait, no. That is not something I have ever said. Or thought. Then again, I don’t live just a couple hours outside of Washington DC, so… maybe that’s a normal feature for homes near the nation’s capital?