Rawr.

It’s all in the details.

Behold! This home has a ceiling!

I have to know though: Do all the rad portrait paintings and the giant green table and chair set come with the $17 million price tag? Because if not, just forget it.

Here’s one of 7 almost identical photos of the house.

With all those multiples, a descriptive list will work here.

There are… multiple Persian carpets (too many to count), as well as at least 2 medieval style tapestries; 8 (or possibly 9) fireplaces; at least 4 athletic facilities, including both indoor and outdoor pools and the obligatory regulation indoor tennis court (with added basketball capability); several dramatic staircases, one of which overlooks the tennis court (Pic 49); a plethora of terraces, covered porches, and balconies; 2 inglenooks (Pics 15 &24) plus one quasi-inglenook (Pic 26), all boldly colored; and enough storage space for you and several dozen of your closest friends to ride out the zombie apocalypse in comfort.

So what is there only one of?

To start with, a ceiling fresco, but with multiple cupids, of course.

Your own private village square with dog, but with multiple shopfronts garages, of course.

A purple home office with a sole, purple folk art rooster, but with multiple mystery appliances, of course. (Seriously, what are those things?)

One swimming pool rock waterfall, but with multiple rocks, of course. Although… there is only one “speaker” rock (lower left foreground).

And finally, one lone giraffe, but with multiple spots, of course.

Oh, and there are multiple plants throughout the house for Mr. Giraffe’s foraging pleasure. Of course.

[Special thanks to Marty for locating this 12 minute walk-through video. Turns out there are indeed 9 fireplaces and the mystery appliances are washers and dryers.]

I was raised with authentic vintage beams and planking…

with hand-painted, ceiling-high murals…

and a scrupulously clean barn basement with stone walls.

Besides “a fine appreciation for history,” my barn also has “resort-style grounds with pool, cabana, gym and sauna”…

…as well as a wine cellar, appropriately located in the silo cellar.

It’s a respectable upbringing, being raised in a barn. As the sign says…

It’s A Wonderful Life!

That’s certainly an interesting piece of sculpture, and it appears a lot in this photo set. It seems odd that the listing photos would focus so much on a piece of art when the home itself is… well, have a look for yourself:

Apparently burritos are good business.

Never before on the market, this exceptional contemporary home was originally built for Steve Ells, founder of Chipotle.

Not surprisingly for someone in the restaurant business, this place has one of the nicest kitchens I’ve ever seen.

Here’s the other side of the kitchen, and a conspicuous shot of that sculpture again:

And of course what rich person’s modern home listing would be complete without the obligatory shot of the pristine garage with their sexy luxury cars?

Okay, back to the sculpture again.

Also: I hear some of you on this site like… stairs?

All right, let’s close it up with yet another shot of that sculpture.

There are lots more great photos on the virtual tour. Just beware, that link auto-plays a dumb video by default. Click “Photos->All” on the upper-left to stop the music and get to the pictures.

So much going on with this home. The foot shot is just the trip tip of the iceberg.

The listing agent does a pretty good job of describing this place:

Wildly creative spaces are throughout this masterpiece of a home built in 2013. “Bright textiles, eclectic styles mixed with tastefully neutral tones” describes this house to a tee. A mix of industrial, modern and classic – all under one roof that makes the most refreshing elegant and comfortable living. There is not another one like it!

Okay well I’m not sure about that “tastefully neutral tones” part… I mean, I guess the walls themselves are relatively “neutral.” But everything on and inside the walls…

Torsos for the win.

The really crazy thing about this place is that it’s not in Los Angeles, or San Francisco, or even Las Vegas…

It’s in Oklahoma City.

Groovy den.

Even the outside is multi-color:

Just $2.8 million and all 8,122 square feet can be yours.

See if you can guess the year this place was built just by looking through these photos…

Here’s what I assume is the “great room.”

And from the other side of those windows, the pool room, complete with its own oddly-placed fireplace:

Once we get into the smaller rooms, the decor gets… eclectic. There’s the orange room:

The blinding yellow room:

The… whatever this is room:

Just yikes. I don’t even know.

Here, have some hideous pink:

According to the listing description, the kitchen was remodeled in 2004. Here’s what they decided to put in:

Ew.

The giant 59-photo set also includes two shots of this rather odd exterior space:

Here’s the hero shot of the front of the home, which actually looks kinda nice from the outside:

So, have you guessed the year it was built? I was thinking ’80s or maybe ’70s after looking through the photos… The actual year: 1979.

For just $1.45 million it could all be yours. Just be sure to set aside another million bucks or so if you want to drag the interior spaces into the twenty-first century.

Seems like with all the negative press around the “rebel flag” these days, you might not want to feature it prominently in the listing photos for your home. I guess things might be different when the home you’re selling is in Nashville, Tennessee.

The home itself has some nice detail work…

But it also has some oddly modern-looking spaces:

And some confusing ones:

And some spaces that look back at you:

Asking price for all this: $16.3 million.

At 22,000 square feet and over five acres, it’s quite the estate. Of course, if you buy it you have to live in Nashville, so there is that.

You’re looking at the primary photo for this listing. And Horse is looking at you.

Fully 25% of the photos for this listing are of the horse.

They’re also quite fond of the barn:

That photo in particular is in there twice.

Summer’s a great time to take a dip in the pool with your shadow kids…

…or do… whatever it is those old guys on the right are doing.

I’ve always wanted a SimHouse of my very own.

Only one problem. If you and your shadow kids want the to buy house they’re supposedly going to build on this land…

…you’re going to have to evict the horse that lives there now.

I guess when you can afford a $16.5 million condo, you don’t have to care what anyone thinks of you or your taste in “art.”

Nothing says “I am super classy” like plastering the walls with scantily-clad ladies.

In nearly every room.

Blech.

But it’s not just exteriors. Inside, you have your angled dining rooms…

your angled kitchens…

and your angled bathrooms.

If you feel the need for somewhat more metaphorical angles, there’s the uber private secret meeting room in the attic…

and the high tech “clean room” in the separate entry basement apartment (perfect for “plausible deniability”).

Just in case you need a reminder that, when in DC, you’re playing with The Big Boys, there’s always the view from your balcony…

where you can learn the angles from the best of them.

This home has it all! Something for everyone. The “art” lover…

The garden lover…

The high-energy kids…

The high energy adults…

…wait a minute, is that a stripper pole in the workout room?

Anyway, moving on…

It’s got a castle for the little princess…

…and a sweet arcade room for the gamers.

Of course, for $34.5 million dollars, it had better have something for everyone. With nine bedrooms, seventeen bathrooms, and 14,563 square feet there should be space to fit pretty much anything you can imagine.

The Upper East Side of NYC is a rarefied atmosphere, the proverbial lap of luxury. With the Guggenheim next door and the Metropolitan Museum of Art just down the street, it’s one classy neighborhood, underscored by the $23.5M price tag on this single floor co-op. With that sort of clout a bit eccentricity is to be expected with, say, the choice of decor palette…

…or the scale and number of large patterns. Or both. This “interesting” color-pattern combo continues in the bedrooms.

Oh. My… Well, at least it can’t get any worse. Probably.

OK, I was wrong. Take all of the above and add… sage-green striped bedspreads? And a trellis patterned carpeting with… a turquoise background?

I’d ask someone to pass the Pepto Bismol, but I think they used it all on the ceilings.

If you hadn’t guessed already, you finally, truly know it’s bad when this hallway is actually a relief.

Horizontal bead-board isn’t usually associated with luxury, let alone painted turquoise, but at least it’s (somewhat) better than this chair with extremely odd upholstery…

I… uh… what?

If there were such a thing as a Crime Against Prime Real Estate this place would be guilty of multiple counts.

But wait… there’s more! According to Sotheby’s International Realty, the approximately 37 acre retreat in Southern France includes:

…an entire ‘hameau’, a private, small Provençal village comprising more than a dozen buildings, including a main house, several guest cottages, a bar & restaurant, a workshop/garage, a staff house and much more.

While the listing says there’s a chapel, this site says it’s been converted into guest quarters. Hopefully, that could explain the presence of a bed, a bathtub, and… a confessional(?!) in the same room. “Paging Dr. Freud!”

Whatevs! What’s totally cool is that Johnny himself ~swoon~ decorated all the buildings in the whole village, which explains this awesome room, including the Alas-Poor-Yorick prop(?) on the side table.

But the BEST EVER part? OMG I can’t believe it… some of Johnny’s personal belongings are INCLUDED IN THE SALE!!!

~THUD~ (Faint…)

Where you can Curtain All The Surfaces!

Or play pool under a painting of people in a pool.

And this being SoCal, it’s all about the pool. It’s there, just beyond the see-through fireplace.

You’ll enjoy endless vistas from the best darn porch swings EVER…

Happy Hour at your personal tiki hut bar in the round…

…and a dinner venue with its own infernal internal lighting.

But in this best of all possible worlds, the best place to be is at the fire pit and in the pool… At.The.Same.Time.

Mai Tai, anyone? We’ve got plenty of little umbrellas.

OK, it’s just that they didn’t know about proper lighting for night shots. But maybe not.

Gee, maybe it’s all that bright Orlando sunshine causing glare. But maybe not.

Hmm… Perhaps the shots of smaller areas are better. But maybe not.

Uh, maybe they just woke up?

Or had a few too many?

I know! All together now, loudly enough for the guy in the projection booth to hear us, “Focus!”

Yeah, that oughta do it. But maybe not…

You’re looking at the interior of a 117-year-old, six thousand square foot home in Bronxville, New York listed at four million dollars.

Note: If this page was slow to load for you, it’s because the photos for this one are huge. You might want to right-click on each picture and open in a new tab or new window to fully appreciate them.

Here’s the exterior:

Inside again…

For once, the listing agent gives us some back story to explain the eclectic decor:

Two very different artists live in this house; one does caricatures and collects historically significant bronze animal sculptures, the other creates wildly colorful installations, sculptures and paintings, which are spread all over the interior…walls, floors, cabinets and ceilings. Their South African heritage, together with items brought back from travels to India, Mexico, Ethiopia, Mali, Burkina Faso and Morocco blend into eclectic, international interiors.

That is actually pretty delightful.

Some of the rooms are relatively subdued…

Others, not so much…

I thought the shot below was on the “subdued” list…

…then I saw the taxidermied cat and the stuffed cat flanking the door.

I think those giant clutching hands are actually painted directly on the wall.

The decor definitely isn’t my thing, but the house itself sure is neat.

Privacy is also hard to come by when you have lots of guests who’ll share a meal with you in the lodge-sized kitchen/dining combo.

Or the ones who won’t be able to keep quiet after lounging on the observation bench… in front of your spa tub.

Any guest who wins his or her handball match would likewise be tempted to spill the beans.

Oh, geeze… so there’s at least nine more guys who no doubt will blab about your full-sized basketball court.

And your batting cages…

But the absolute deal breaker for keeping your location a secret is to advertise that you have…

…your own baseball diamond. With night game capability. Makes finding you a total snap. BTW, the home is on West Patrick Lane, about 2 miles due west of McCarran International Airport and right next to the Korean Catholic Church that fronts on South Jones Blvd.

[Note from Marty: The full address was fairly easy to find. It’s 5990 W Patrick Lane, Las Vegas, NV 89118]

In the dining room…

Even in the hallway…

Well, until you hit the home theater. It’s… um… different…

The busts are of Greek and Roman origin. Some are even of famous philosophers. But the theater is an Egyptian tomb reborn… with a dozen gold thrones seats. And a totally creepy black obelisk.

Even so, the Egyptian theater may not sport the weirdest decor. At least Greek, Roman, and Egyptian are all ancient. But this…?

Definitely a “Wait… what?” moment. I dunno, maybe the dolls count as sorta busts?

The sprawling 2,698 acre estate is now officially known as “Sycamore Valley Ranch” and the actual listing doesn’t even mention Michael Jackson, nor give any clues to the location’s previous life.

Here’s a photo from The Pinnacle List showing one of the more distinctive locations on the property:

There are many more photos to be had at the above links, and a few more generic ones on the listing itself, linked below.

Lead suitably impressed guests into your Untouchably chic speakeasy.

Play at being Cinderella (your choice of dozens of adaptations), fleeing down the castle staircase to evade the lovelorn prince.

Recreate training scenes from Rocky II, III, IV, or V (but not the first one because, hey, he was still poor).

Do what Ferris Bueller would’ve done if he’d really stayed home sick.

Ascend into the heavens (or your neighbor’s yard) via your personal glass Wonkavator. (Um, yeah… the Wonkavator moves sideways, too.)

When you’re ready to come back to earth, you can ground and center (or just take a nap) in your meditation chamber. But watch out that stray sparks don’t catch your hair on fire… Remember, the point is to play at being dramatic, not actually, you know, be dramatic!

Just 22 minutes from downtown Portland, this $7.2 million manse has pretty much everything…

Outside, it’s all castle. Inside…

…it’s also castle.

Except when it’s desert oasis.

Or Arabic domes.

Or giant… ceiling… compass?

Okay, back to castle.

Nope, just kidding. Time for a modern theater.

Or how about this rainbow workout room?

Okay let’s close on the castle watchtower.

It’s certainly nice, but you’d think they would be able to decide on just one style.

…quickly segues into one with some, shall we say, “odd” features.

There seems to be all manner of, for lack of a better term, hangy-downy stuff. Pretty much everywhere.

In the stair hall…

In the bathroom…

In this bedroom…

And in this other bedroom, including the lighting feature over the bed as well as the string sculpture near the windows. The strings resemble both an inverted model of a suspension bridge and a trajectory study of a handgun-related crime scene.

At the least the hangy-downy stuff here isn’t as unpleasant as the stuff at a crime scene might be. But it’s definitely more… “odd.”

blacksmiths, including one of a kind leaded windows with beveled glass panes…

plasterers…

and bricklayers (or brick-levitators, as the case may be)…

not to mention the ubiquitous fine art and furnishings on display in every room, as well as this unique fireplace.

The looniest thing about this Looney Listing is that those who designed and built the home, as the saying goes, chose wisely. And that’s pretty darn rare.

Or a restatement of the Bauhaus aesthetic?

Is it a setting for a traditionally chandeliered, bay windowed bedroom?

Or an angular, multi-colored room of repose?

Is it a funky, modern sculpted, distressed floored music hall?

Or an overblown, Erté-infused Art Deco luxury bath?

Or maybe even just classic kitsch, aka folk “art”?

Or is all this confusion merely a misdirect to draw attention away from…

The Mysterious Backyard Hatch of Doom?!

A grand formal entry.

A power office as a backdrop for your redneck dream painting of a semi.

A killer rec-room with classic popcorn, Coke, and slot machines.

And the coolest thing money can buy…  Water.You.Can.Light.On.Fire!!!

In the (literal) man cave…

Behind a waterfall…

Even in the appropriately named hot tub…

Ahhh… Water, water everywhere, and every drop can burn!

To wit: The “Dukedom” of Chiltern, complete with opulent manor hall.

This stately dwelling features a reception hall fit to host monarchs…

…and a formal garden in which to enjoy one’s private moments.

From bottom to top, from the vaulted cellars…

…to the magnificent vista provided by the rooftop terrace, one’s new-found nobility will shine gloriously. Or would have…

…had this Dukedom not been The One That Got Away.

Yeah… some wanker beat us to it. Bugger that, then. (But a mate can dream, can’t he?)

No word in the listing description about whether the pensive llamas are included in the $5.6 million list price.

Or the awkwardly staring cows.

But hey, at least the farm animals are set up to play a quick game of pickup basketball whenever the urge strikes:

One thing that confuses me a bit. Is this place called “Lestralaur Ranch”?

Or is it “October Farm”?

Actually maybe it’s both… The description says that the “Property includes two distinct farmhouse compounds…”

That’s definitely not a sentence you’re likely to read in many other home listings.

Whatever its name, it’s tough to argue with the fact that this is a pretty amazing piece of property:

Note that this property is located on San Juan Island in Washington State. And that lake in the photo has its own island. Who doesn’t want to own an island on an island?

Again from the listing description:

500 acre San Juan Valley Ranch. Surrounded by pristine acreage in the San Juan Valley, views to False Bay and the Olympic Mtns, and the sparkling, privately owned 50 acre Zylstra Lake- this is a rare opportunity to own such a beautiful part of San Juan Island.

If anything, that seems like an understatement.

And there’s no need to waste the underside of a roof, either, when you can show off the seldom seen sight of clay tiles from below.

And while you’re at it, why waste stair risers?

Waste not, want not, as they say.

…whose crowned porcupine crest appears in solid marble above the impressive entry

…who enjoy an indoor palm forest

…who feel the need for a terrace pavilion styled on a Greek temple

…and who choose the company of contemplative statuary on warm spring evenings.