I was raised with authentic vintage beams and planking…

with hand-painted, ceiling-high murals…

and a scrupulously clean barn basement with stone walls.

Besides “a fine appreciation for history,” my barn also has “resort-style grounds with pool, cabana, gym and sauna”…

…as well as a wine cellar, appropriately located in the silo cellar.

It’s a respectable upbringing, being raised in a barn. As the sign says…

It’s A Wonderful Life!

Wow. Just wow. A photo of some text on a computer monitor.

And weeks after the listing went live… still no actual pictures.

Seems to be a habit of this particular listing agent. Here’s another. And another.

Who doesn’t want a whole room in their house dedicated to virtual golfing?

Oh right. Pretty much everybody.

I could go for a two-lane bowling alley complete with electronic score-keeping, though.

I suspect they don’t get much proper use out of the indoor basketball court.

That giant Persian rug just doesn’t say “baller” to me.

From the listing description:

True to the streetscape of historic Greenview Avenue, this classic Princeton home, Victorian in style with its picturesque turret, has been completely re-built and transformed by J. Robert Hillier as part of a seven unit enclave of exciting new homes.

You’d be forgiven if you can’t spot the picturesque turret, or the “Victorian in style” home at all in many of this listing’s photos, because for some reason they decided to include a bunch of unrelated exterior shots of the rest of the “seven unit enclave.”

Once you get inside the actual home for sale, I hope you like white.

And cheap pine cabinets. Click through to the listing if you want to get dizzy spinning around every interior room.

As for “the streetscape of historic Greenview Avenue…” Check out the view directly across the street from this place:

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Picturesque!

From the listing description:

There is even a bomb shelter in the basement that sleeps six and has a periscope from a WWII submarine (which would make an ideal wine cellar).

Pictured: the appropriate way to stock your bomb shelter. Wine, helmets, a periscope, and prison beds without mattresses.

What more would you need?