Summer’s a great time to take a dip in the pool with your shadow kids…

…or do… whatever it is those old guys on the right are doing.

I’ve always wanted a SimHouse of my very own.

Only one problem. If you and your shadow kids want the to buy house they’re supposedly going to build on this land…

…you’re going to have to evict the horse that lives there now.

The Upper East Side of NYC is a rarefied atmosphere, the proverbial lap of luxury. With the Guggenheim next door and the Metropolitan Museum of Art just down the street, it’s one classy neighborhood, underscored by the $23.5M price tag on this single floor co-op. With that sort of clout a bit eccentricity is to be expected with, say, the choice of decor palette…

…or the scale and number of large patterns. Or both. This “interesting” color-pattern combo continues in the bedrooms.

Oh. My… Well, at least it can’t get any worse. Probably.

OK, I was wrong. Take all of the above and add… sage-green striped bedspreads? And a trellis patterned carpeting with… a turquoise background?

I’d ask someone to pass the Pepto Bismol, but I think they used it all on the ceilings.

If you hadn’t guessed already, you finally, truly know it’s bad when this hallway is actually a relief.

Horizontal bead-board isn’t usually associated with luxury, let alone painted turquoise, but at least it’s (somewhat) better than this chair with extremely odd upholstery…

I… uh… what?

If there were such a thing as a Crime Against Prime Real Estate this place would be guilty of multiple counts.

You’re looking at the interior of a 117-year-old, six thousand square foot home in Bronxville, New York listed at four million dollars.

Note: If this page was slow to load for you, it’s because the photos for this one are huge. You might want to right-click on each picture and open in a new tab or new window to fully appreciate them.

Here’s the exterior:

Inside again…

For once, the listing agent gives us some back story to explain the eclectic decor:

Two very different artists live in this house; one does caricatures and collects historically significant bronze animal sculptures, the other creates wildly colorful installations, sculptures and paintings, which are spread all over the interior…walls, floors, cabinets and ceilings. Their South African heritage, together with items brought back from travels to India, Mexico, Ethiopia, Mali, Burkina Faso and Morocco blend into eclectic, international interiors.

That is actually pretty delightful.

Some of the rooms are relatively subdued…

Others, not so much…

I thought the shot below was on the “subdued” list…

…then I saw the taxidermied cat and the stuffed cat flanking the door.

I think those giant clutching hands are actually painted directly on the wall.

The decor definitely isn’t my thing, but the house itself sure is neat.

This spaceship home in the middle of a 28 acre forest looks like something from the mid-century, but it was apparently built just 16 years ago.

I am definitely digging it.

Dig those sweeping curves.

And that wrap-around deck on the land side!

I don’t even care that the ceilings are a bit low near the outside walls. I am ready for spaceship living.

…quickly segues into one with some, shall we say, “odd” features.

There seems to be all manner of, for lack of a better term, hangy-downy stuff. Pretty much everywhere.

In the stair hall…

In the bathroom…

In this bedroom…

And in this other bedroom, including the lighting feature over the bed as well as the string sculpture near the windows. The strings resemble both an inverted model of a suspension bridge and a trajectory study of a handgun-related crime scene.

At the least the hangy-downy stuff here isn’t as unpleasant as the stuff at a crime scene might be. But it’s definitely more… “odd.”

The listing agent claims that they are selling an “impressive red brick castle residence” for $4.3 million. Good luck finding it, though!

Oh, there it is.

From the listing description:

Listed on the National Register of Historic Places, the impressive red brick Castle residence with tower, on approx. .43 acre, has been exactingly restored from the ground up, and comes with a newly restored pool house, three-bedroom main house and a wonderful heated gunite pool, set in the heart of Southampton Village, easy distances to shopping, restaurants, and beaches. The master bedroom, located in the turret, includes a beautiful free-standing soaking tub. Two bedroom suites occupy the lower level. A specifications list of restoration details is available, and the lavish landscaping maximizes privacy.

I don’t know what a “heated gunite pool” is, but I want one. I need one.

You can tell that it’s actually the house that’s tilted, not the camera, because otherwise why would the agent have such a hard time holding the camera still for the interior shots?

Also, the residents had to evacuate quickly, which obviously explains the terrible mess left all over.

Okay I don’t have a good explanation for the recliner in the garage.

Ooh, but there is a full plate of cookies. Win!

Okay, so it’s a modern concrete and glass box, floating on the water. I can dig.

Cool arched hallway, can’t say I’d enjoy keeping it clean, though.

The inside feels a bit cold and impersonal, but hey if that’s what floats your boat (or your house, as the case may be)…

Whoa. Um. What? Boom: Backyard Gypsy Wagon out of nowhere.

My French chateau of rough hewn stone can meet and beat your white wood Grand Hotel wannabe anyday!

I’ll see your indoor tennis court and pool and raise you an indoor regulation half basketball court…

private putting green…

*and* a gold leaf ceilinged concert stage

Keeping up with the Joneses? Amateur time compared to this.

Want to buy Ron Howard’s house?

Just $27.5 million dollars…

Here’s some more color from CNN:

The Howards lived in the house built for them for 20 years, but no longer need such a large house.

“Our children are grown, so it’s time to move on, but the memories of this very special place will never leave us,” said Howard.

Because every family needs 17,000 square feet to raise 4 kids…

Other rooms include a yoga studio, an au-pair suite and a 14-seat theater…

And a stable, and a lake, and formal garden with a stone head house (whatever that is), and an indoor pool, and an indoor tennis court, and a fully paneled library, and an indoor harbor, as seen in the formal dining room mural, and indoor stargazing in the private observatory, and 30+ acres with riding trails.

Really, it’s a wonder they had room for those kids…

From the listing description:

Legal 2 Family Can Also Be Used As Owner Occupied Professional Office With Owner Occupied Apartment On Top. Or Legal Two Family.

Because if anything says “professional,” it’s a real estate agent who can’t even be bothered to rotate the listing photos.

Three percent of the $600k asking price would be an $18,000 payday for the agent, should this home sell at its current asking price.

There’s nothing like a hard day’s work.

For the fanatical fungus-lovers out there.

No word on if the home has a history of princess kidnapping.

I’d probably put up a turtle fence just in case.

This is the real estate agent’s version of “fix it in post.”

Bet you can’t find the dishware.

You like patterned walls and floors, right?

This one reminds me of the giant cow ottoman featured on these pages back in February.

Hrm. Not sure what this is supposed to convey about the home for sale. But okay.

Hey, maybe real horses aren’t your thing? How about a horse statue?

Horses not your thing at all? Okay, how about a painted lion statue?

I know I for one have always wanted to emulate the feeling of being hunted by an apex predator whenever I look out my back door.

Apparently whoever took the photographs of this home was unfamiliar with the concept of flash photography.

It’s understandable, the only been around for 114 years.

I also really enjoy photos like this one:

Because if the listing didn’t include a photograph of the water heater, how would I know that one was included with the home?

The current owners of this home have definitely made some… interesting decor choices. Especially in the bathrooms.

They each seem to have their own “theme.” I guess sometimes you have to be in the right mood to go?

I think my favorite room is probably the basement den though.

So that’s what it would feel like to live inside a pumpkin!

There appears to be some sort of heavy indoor haze throughout the entire set of photos for this listing, but the… um… basement (is that the basement?) seems to be the epicenter.

It’s hard to tell what is going on down here, but I have a serious suspicion that whatever it is, it isn’t savory.

Wait, what is being offered for sale here… a house or a fleet of luxury and sports cars?

Because from the first three photos of this home, it’s honestly difficult to tell.

In other news, apparently there is a city in New York called “Muttontown.” Nice.