Free rocks included with purchase of home.

Added bonus: Green stuff!

What’s that? Oh, you want to see what the house itself looks like? Okay, sure.

Here is a wall.

And here is some trim.

Oh, you wanted to see more? Fine.

No, you can’t see any photos of any of the rooms inside. Only tiny photos of the outside and weirdly-close photos of interior features.

My favorite bit from the listing description?

Many features from years of old still remain in place.

That is the nicest way I have ever heard an agent say “needs a ton of updates.”

Hmm this photograph does not quite match the listing description:

The front porch has a large stone arch giving the house a warm, inviting feel to it!

I make fun of the corny 3D renderings that some unfinished homes use for their listings, but I think this strategy is probably worse.

I especially love the weird burned-corners look of the digital floorplan drawings.

This listing is for a 680 square foot, single-bedroom condo in what looks like a relatively small building.

I guess when you’ve only got 680 square feet to photograph, you get a little bored…

Who could have guessed that 3745 Harriet Ave S would be located at the corner of 38th & Harriet?

So, is the buyer of this condo required to perform the “revolutionary Cuban cooking,” or do they just have to smell it all day every day?

Huh. So 3745 Harriet Ave S has the numbers 3745 on it. Weird.

Above: The primary listing photo for this $550,000 Philadelphia townhouse.

That’s a nice picture and all, but where’s the actual home for sale?

Nope, not here. But let’s have a closer look at the street art…

There are 14 photos on this listing. A grand total of two of those photos are of the inside of the actual home being sold:

So, basically the seller here is asking you to pay over half a million dollars for some historic scenery and funky mosaic art outside the home.

The sellers of this $3.5 million South Florida pad are really proud of their lion fountains.

I mean really proud.

Just look at them.

Gaze upon their majesty.

Also, if you visit this home, prepare to be ambushed by herons as soon as you walk through the door. Just because.

So… do the fancy cars come with the home? I think probably not, despite the fact that the photo above is the primary photo on this listing.

The car shots are funny. This, from the listing description, not so much:

DO NOT VISIT SITE, per seller request. Site visits shall be only through LA. . Do not disregard this message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE :) Sellers dog was killed by a prospective buyer, MUST CALL FIRST. No drive-by’s please.

The “no drive-by’s” bit is certainly ironic, given the photo choice.

The cars may not come with the home, but apparently this weird pipe contraption coming up out of the stream does.

Probably some sort of free irrigation scheme. Not sure how the local environmental protection board would feel about it, but hey, whatever. Not the seller or listing agent’s problem, right?

This home is a golf course condo, so of course they needed to feature a photograph of the owner’s… brushes and hat?

…and some poorly-lit rocks outside the window, apparently.

I don’t even know what this is.

Okay, I know what this is, but why is it so tiny?

And, why not throw in a fuzzy spy picture of some dudes playing golf.

Wow. This is the primary photo for this $360,000 “LOVELY NEW CONSTRUCTION TO BE BUILT.”

The amusing part is that the second photo is at least in focus (although there is a big shadow in the corner).

Here. Have a photo of the street.

And a truck I guess.

Well okay then. I guess everybody needs a hobby, so why not pretending to kayak in one’s house?

Also I guess another hobby they have is ukulele bird watching?

The listing’s headline proclaims this place to be “A House of Secrets.” So where are the secrets?

This property was purpose built for a special community group in the 1970’s and has has some very unique features to go with it.
…
The third level disappears completely underground and at 60 plus meters has a multitude of possible uses. A great cellar, if you want one with a bathroom, or maybe a recording studio or sound proof music room. Great hobbies room or nuclear survival shelter.

Oh. So the “secret” is that it has a basement. I guess in the far north of New Zealand that’s a “very unique feature?” Also why would you ever need a nuclear survival shelter in the far north of New Zealand?

It’s very important to know where the nearest giant Marilyn Monroe mural is when I’m considering buying a house.

And what if I need to park my bike a few blocks away? This place has me covered, apparently.

Also: CVS!

Ooh look, if you zoom your camera way in from the rooftop deck, you can see the Washington National Cathedral! Special!

Here’s a park with a random dude running by.

I guess when the home in question is only a 429 square foot condo, there’s only so much of the actual listing you can show in 30 photos.