Hmm this photograph does not quite match the listing description:

The front porch has a large stone arch giving the house a warm, inviting feel to it!

I make fun of the corny 3D renderings that some unfinished homes use for their listings, but I think this strategy is probably worse.

I especially love the weird burned-corners look of the digital floorplan drawings.

Hi there stranger! Come buy my house!

Okay, let’s go inside now!

I’m just going to steal this guitar…

Okay bye!

You can’t see me!

What’s that? Oh, no, don’t bother getting up. I’m sure your work is very important.

No, it’s no big deal. I’m just taking pictures of your house. You know, so we can try to sell it for $800,000.

Why not retire to the living room with your friends?

Oh, right.

Um… Listed on the MLS as a 0-bed, 1-bath single-family home.

From the listing description:

Historic Evelyn’s Tavern is zoned rural village commercial, allowing residential use.

Oh, well if the zoning allows residential use, then it’s basically already a house!

That is some top-notch pissing privacy, right there.

Wait, are the plaques included? If so, I am totally in.

Not really.

From submitter Spencer P.:

Circle the wagons! The sticker-faced yoga zombies are back!

The listing description claims there are “32-acres of picturesque pastures, woods and spring-fed lake,” but rather than focusing on the allegedly picturesque grounds, over half of the photos feature the sticker-face horde.

After about the third photo, it gets seriously creepy, but you’re not even halfway through.

Listed for $5 million as a “house for sale” on Zillow. The listing does not indicate whether or not zombie-fighting tools are included in the price.

Wow. Interesting choice.

I guess when the actual home is currently just dirt, you get creative.

So… am I buying a home here, or a grainy photo of some old dudes?

Oh look, somebody signed a thing! Totally important to the sale of this home!

The actual home being sold here is nice enough. Good mid-century modern specimen. So what’s with the weird choice of extra photos?

Do you like to engage in staring contests with horses?

Or ride your tractor around in circles in the dirt?

Does this photo have some sort of meaning to you?

Are the horse stalls your dream location for serious business meetings?

Have we got a listing for you!

And just five million dollars! What a bargain!

Comment from the reader who submitted this one:

I think this may be the house from Goldilocks and the three bears because she was still sleeping in one of the beds when they snapped this photo.

The rest of the place is rather oddly sparse compared to the occupied bedroom.

Do the current residents just stand around and watch DVDs all day?

I’m so confused.

Well okay then. I guess everybody needs a hobby, so why not pretending to kayak in one’s house?

Also I guess another hobby they have is ukulele bird watching?

The listing’s headline proclaims this place to be “A House of Secrets.” So where are the secrets?

This property was purpose built for a special community group in the 1970’s and has has some very unique features to go with it.
…
The third level disappears completely underground and at 60 plus meters has a multitude of possible uses. A great cellar, if you want one with a bathroom, or maybe a recording studio or sound proof music room. Great hobbies room or nuclear survival shelter.

Oh. So the “secret” is that it has a basement. I guess in the far north of New Zealand that’s a “very unique feature?” Also why would you ever need a nuclear survival shelter in the far north of New Zealand?

I’m glad they put a caption on there, otherwise I might have thought that the guy on stilts was included with the home. Actually wait now I’m not sure, maybe he actually is?

Um. I don’t actually see any wildflowers in that photo.

This is the only one of the 62 photos without a caption. How are we supposed to know what we’re looking at? It’s a total mystery!

Okay there, that’s better.

Okay, it’s adorable when your kids want to play dress-up, but is that really something that you should be including in the marketing photos when you’re trying to sell your home?

Yes, we can see that your dogs are quite obedient. Look at them sit.

Okay now the kids just look unamused. Perhaps the photographer overstayed his or her welcome?

Yup. Dogs are still there. Good dogs.

What? She’s just wants to make sure potential buyers know that the kitchen is functional.

And, um… the bed, I guess.

This condo has a price tag of $5,583,900 and a rather… interesting marketing strategy.

I’m sensing a theme here…

Okay so maybe you’re not a fan of ladies’ backs. Here, have this instead.

Ready to lay down $5,583,900 yet?

Getting to this home might be a bit of a challenge…

But at least it will be fun!

Wait what are they selling here? A house or an outdoor adventure park?

Usually I try to mix things up geographically, but even though this home is just a few blocks away from the home we featured on Wednesday, I couldn’t resist it.

There’s only this one photo on the listing, but there is just so much to love about it. You’ve got the astroturf-covered front steps, the giant wall of tacky glass blocks that surround the front door, the paper notice taped to said wall, the large plants growing in the gutters, and the ominous outline of the home’s occupant just inside the door, looking back at the camera.

Winning!

Okay so this “home” sold way back in December, but this find was just too amazingly weird not to share here.

This is the one and only photo on the listing. Presumably when it was active on the market there were photos of, you know… the actual home. Then when it sold, they replaced them with… this.

This listing has over 70 photos. Apparently the Phoenix-area MLS doesn’t limit how many photos an agent can upload, so some listing agents just upload any random thing that happens to be sitting on their computer. Like a kinda creepy close-up shot of a lady working out.

Or an even closer, even creepier shot of a lady getting a massage.

So I guess the message is “buy this house if you like to look at ladies”?

What? Is a seemingly incapacitated child splayed out across the living room floor a deal-breaker for you?

How about a baby-eating lion? Not your cup of tea?

From the listing description:

World Champion Giants home right down the street! This one is a winner

Winning!

I’m a little unclear about what exactly is being offered for sale here. Is it a giant concrete gazebo? Or perhaps an outdoor volleyball court complete with four topless players? With only seven photos and no interior shots, I’m downright confused.

The listing description isn’t helping much here, either:

The Persimmon has it all. Covered front porch & also covered rear porch. Fantastic lot! … Neighorhood (sic) amenities include pool, fitness, tennis!!

Whoa, a covered front porch and a covered rear porch?!? MIND = BLOWN.

Dude, nice catch.

So… is the judgmental old man included in the $585,000 listing price? Because I’m gonna need somebody to make sure all the kids keep off my damn lawn.

Also, apparently this listing comes with a… billboard?

Los Angeles. What will they think of next?

So… if I buy this house I can work out every day with a bunch of fit, young women? Is that the message here?

Yup, that appears to be the idea they’re trying to convey. At least with these two photos. The primary listing photo, on the other hand…

I have no freakin’ clue what that one is supposed to be saying.

Ghost girl, ghost park people, ghost trees… these imaginary Austin condos have it all!

Even ghost cars!

Message: Buy this home and you too could be having just as much fun as these people are. Just look at this hopping party.

According to the listing description you’re looking at:

…a musical home designed to house a theater organ to provide acoustic precision to one of the finest theatre organs built for the silent movie era, the Wurltizer Brooklyn Fox Special.

However, they don’t actually say whether or not the organ is included in the $5.95 million price tag.

Don’t you want to have this much fun, too?

Or maybe they read halfway through an article about using babies in ads and just decided to throw them in there just to see if it worked?

“Hey.”

“Whatcha doin’ in my house?”

“Just earning thousands of dollars in commission. Don’t worry, I’ll be out of here in about five minutes.”

This listing is chock full of gems, including:

Cord Hanging Out of Window

Panda on Pink Bed

I Think This is the Basement… Probably?

[Update: An astute reader pointed out that the last photo above features a baby’s high chair. Scary place to feed your child…]