Nothing says “welcome home” quite like HDR mold, rot, and CAUTION tape.

I love how they cranked up the HDR so high that the dead brown grass looks like it’s glowing a bright yellow color.

The ridiculously overdone HDR amplifies every little defect, even in the least-terrible-looking room in the house.

Seriously, this place looks like some kind of Siberian prison.

List price on this 1,840 square foot rathole: Six hundred thousand dollars.

And it went pending after only nine days on the market.

Welcome to Seattle!

And in case it didn’t quite do the trick, you can always show an interior…

…then go back to the view.

Repeatedly…

And why not toss in an extra, beyond hi-def view, just for the heck of it?

A little tasteful HDR can make for some good-looking listing photos.

Unfortunately, the HDR applied to the photos of this listing is neither “a little” nor “tasteful.”

This would be a truly terrifying reality to live in.

The exterior shots are the least-terrifying of the set, but even those have an almost cartoon-like feel to them.

If I were the seller of this $1.2 million home, I would fire the listing agent and the photographer immediately. These photos are a bad joke.

Gee, I wonder what this seller’s prized possessions are?

The listing agent had an allotment of 30 photos to showcase this 11,500 square foot home. Here’s how he used them:

• 9 photos of the two white sports cars
• 4 photos of the living room
• 2 identical photos of the bathroom
• 2 ridiculously over-processed, hyper-saturated exterior shots
• 2 aerial shots
• 1 site drawing
• 10 photos of the rest of the house

That one is the primary photo.

This would be a terrifying reality to live in, frankly.

This is what I imagine a $3.3 million home would look like if a nuclear weapon had just been detonated ten or twenty miles behind the photographer.

The interior is just as unnaturally bright. Somehow even the black cupboards appear to be emitting a radiant glow.

That is a lot of drawers and sliding doors. I think this is a hallway but it almost looks like a closet full of closets.

When your landscaper doesn’t stop at the front door… rocks on the floor, inside the house.

Don’t miss the listing description, either. The listing agent for this home, one Wendy Lister (because when your name “Lister” of course you’re going to become a real estate agent), is fairly notorious in the Seattle area for her expensive listings and over-the-top prose:

Extraordinary Big Sur extended profile. . a statement of authority above the astonishing saltwater isle/view plateau. Moments of appreciation ~ subtle to sensational. Elongated entrance foyer, unprecedented. Protracted hall of wardrobes to two substantial owner suites. Without reservation, the colossal great-room of white terrazzo, brilliant seascape spectacles, the sheer volume are powerful. Remarkable: pool, resort-size cabana (fpl, bath), tennis, coach house, gated. 3 more living zones.

It’s no “egrets seek the sky, involuntary sigh,” but I still call it listing gold.

This home’s previous primary listing photo was apparently attempting to convey what the home would look like to a prospective buyer who was totally tripping balls on LSD.

This is what the home looks like in our version of reality.

The old photo was replaced at some point with the second version, but the LSD version still shows up at the time of this writing as the thumbnail on a Google search for the address.

There’s nothing quite like cranking the saturation up to eleven to tell a prospective buyer “welcome to your new home.”

Or maybe that’s really what it looks like on a cloudy day in Westport… on acid.