If you thought you were going to get any photos of this 672 square foot, 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house offered for sale near Dallas for $70,000… You were wrong.

Instead, all you get is a picture of this portrait of an unknown lady.

The title of this post is taken from the listing description:

Be careful! Unlivable now. Extra large lot, 9 large oak trees make a perfect home site for living & entertaining. On the East & on the West, the homes are newer brick ones. Take this one; update it; maybe add on some square footage & you’ll have a wonderful home or a great flip. CAUTION: Be very careful – flooring is unstable & has trip hazards. Bring your flash light.

Good to know that there are 9 large oak trees. If a listing has any fewer than 7 I don’t even consider it.

Appropriately, entry is directly into the yoga room, so you can get loosened up first.

Really get going with a few rounds on the indoor running track…

…then a few more in the lap pool.

Before settling down to domesticity, you can get cleaned up in the humdinger of a locker room.

Careful, though. With “room for a tour bus” in the garage, you may have unexpected company.

Wow. Where do you even find furniture like that? The beach ball pillows and almost-matching curtains just really complete the vibe, too.

Apparently it’s some sort of rule for crazy decor that when you get furniture with hideous patterns, you need curtains that match.

If you thought you could escape the crazy patterns in the bedroom, you would be mistaken.

The bathrooms are their own entirely different pieces of work.

So much amazing taste on display in this place.

Nope. Nothing creepy about this room at all. Totally normal.

Also normal: Medieval-style banquet hall dining room seating for 20.

…and a costume room.

Sure, why wouldn’t there be a Día de Muertos themed room, too. Just throw it in there.

Plus: bonus bubble chair!

I don’t recognize the object of this home seller’s adoration.

But wowzers do they ever adore him. Not one, but two full-on shrines, plus a giant photo above the fireplace…

…two in this bedroom…

…and one more in this bedroom.

Anybody recognize who this is?

[Update: Paradox solves the mystery in the comments below. It’s Sathya Sai Baba, described by Wikipedia as “an Indian guru and spiritual leader.”]

This $16.8 million listing is allegedly for a 4-bed, 3.5-bath 3,941 square foot home.

The listing contains thirty-two photos. Exactly two of those photos show any hint of the home.

Definitely worth $16.8 million, for sure.

What’s that? Oh, no, don’t bother getting up. I’m sure your work is very important.

No, it’s no big deal. I’m just taking pictures of your house. You know, so we can try to sell it for $800,000.

Why not retire to the living room with your friends?

Oh, right.

You’re looking at the primary photo for this cheap Dallas condo. I’m not sure if the condo is hiding in the bush behind the dapper statue, or what exactly is going on here.

From the listing description:

Copperfield is the Best Kept Secret in Lake Highlands. Beautifully-treed and landscaped community with private and professional security. Community Mailbox, Clubhouse and Pool. Nothing to do but move-in and start enjoying the easy life.

Apparently “how to take decent listing photos” is also one of the best kept secrets in Lake Highlands.

You like color? Look outside.

Or stare at your plants.

That’s it. Those are your only two choices here.

Bedroom? Desaturated. Bathroom? Desaturated.

Oh, one more thing…

Dead gazelle shrine for the win.

Obviously the owners of this home really like teal.

Well, whoever lives in this room does, anyway.

The rest of the home is… interesting, if not quite as uni-color.

BELIEVE in the Texas Longhorn!

Here’s another one that’s less “looney” and more “lavish.”

Love the distinctive, unique shape of this home, as well as the finishes like the nice wood deck.

Is that basement just carved out of the rock below the house? Crazy.

Nice round second-story balcony, too.

Bonus: if kids get bored with the main house, they’ve got “Fort Apache” out back, complete with its own log wall.

Delightful!

Yours for just 15 million dollars. Okay so I doubt the dog comes with the property. Probably not the truck or the horse, either.

You do get to keep these lovely tire tracks, though:

And this creepy cabin in the woods.

Plus: Bonus round concrete thing in a field!

Shut up and take my money!

You’re looking at the first two photos for this San Antonio listing.

The listing agent’s description doesn’t mention anything about a $65,000 Maserati Ghibli being included in the home’s $2 million list price.

I really have no idea what’s going on here.

Whoa. It’s like a few of the rooms in this house were designed to induce maximum dizziness.

I would most likely fall down those stairs at least 50 percent of the time.

Can’t even figure out the purpose of this room, unless it’s just “to insult anyone with a modicum of taste.”

Seriously, looking this place’s interior is making me sick. Let’s see what there is outside.

Okay that isn’t really better. I’m certain water is not supposed to be that color.

All this for just $1,490,000! Best foreclosure deal in Texas!

Um. I don’t think that’s an authorized usage of Disney intellectual property.

I kinda suspect that isn’t, either, but at least Bert doesn’t seem to be up to no good.

Hey wait a minute this looks like a totally different room than the first photo, but that looks like a reflection of the naughty Mickey piece in the mirror. Or maybe it’s just a miniature, mirrored version of the same piece? Confusing.

Nice. Another appearance of the suggestive seating to really round out the decor in this place.

I hope you like Cadillacs. I mean really like them.

Because it might cost a bit to take down that giant glowing “Cadillac” sign in the garage.

Also… Why does that little end table have horse legs?

Wow. Interesting choice.

I guess when the actual home is currently just dirt, you get creative.

“This massive wall of empty shelves looks too lonely. Better do some staging…”

“Ahh, there. Much better.”

The weird thing about this listing is that most of the home is totally empty, no furniture, no decor, nothing. But the kitchen sort of looks like the owners just barely stepped out of frame.

Medieval keep or scientific playground? You decide…

It has church-like stained glass:

…a 2 story display gallery for your crossbow collection…

…and a fully equipped alchemy lab.

But it also has its own observatory… guarded by gargoyles:

…as well as an office with both deep sea and space exploration stuff…

AND an epic tube slide from the balcony to the pool!

Hey, if you happen to be in Austin over the next week for SXSW, you can check this place out in person! This home just hit the market today. Asking price: $7.25 million (the 8th most expensive home on the market).

Who puts carpet in the bathroom?

And green shag carpet, at that!

Check out the carpet/wallpaper combo in one of the home’s other 6.5 bathrooms:

Well these stairs are pretty cool, at least.

Plus it does sport 330 feet of lakefront… Still though, that bathroom. Yikes.

Yup, I’m a sucker for castles

Even totally fake castles that were actually built in 1996.

I mean, look at that roof line. What’s not to love?

Inside is pretty sweet too, with lots of hardwood.

And then they had to go and ruin it with carpet and tacky ceiling fans. Oh and also by putting it in Fort Worth, Texas.

Apparently Luxor Designs spent so much money on the… um… “design” of this home that they could only afford MS Paint to draw the rendering.

Here’s what the home looks like in reality, apparently.

I wonder how they’re going to magically get a 30-40 foot tall tree next to the completed house. Hmm…

This condo’s photo set starts off well enough with an artsy shot of the building’s exterior.

But a few photos in you realize… you’re only seeing exterior shots.

Okay, so there’s a La Quinta Inns & Suites with a Denny’s in the lobby next door. That’s really useful information for potential buyers. Or something.

Behold the wall. BEHOLD IT.

PRICED BELOW CERTIFIED APPRAISAL of $3.5 million.

Well okay, maybe if you offered them the CERTIFIED APPRAISAL amount, they would throw in PoolDog.

Gotta love the random faded-oval shot they threw in there.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that a bomb shelter with a cute little stepping stone path?

SOLD!

Odd choice… Normally listing agents don’t highlight the shortcomings of a property in the listing photos, but they are clearly showing us here that the property requires a significantly taller fence.

Of course, what the deer in this photo doesn’t know…

…is that the other side of the fence is a sheer cliff drop-off into water. Joke’s on you, deer.

I assume there’s a house in this photo, but all I can really see is the unnaturally glowing sky.

Bonus: we even get the same blinding light effect inside, too!

For when your family room just really needs that “plummeting into the surface of the sun” feeling.

From the outside:

They even took the orb theme into the bathroom.

Seriously though, aside from some questionable color choices in a few rooms and a some mixed styles, this is a pretty cool house. Plus you get 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, and over 3,000 square feet for just $150,000.

But… you have to live in Houston.

That’s bound to be disorienting.

Also in this listing… creepy lonely lady sculpture:

She even appears to be pose-able.

Those are definitely some… um… unique bar stools, that’s for sure.

The ottoman in what appears to be one of this home’s six living rooms is quite something too:

The really strange thing is that the whole rest of the house seems perfectly normal. It’s a funky furniture sneak attack.