Now you see it…

Now you don’t!

Thanks to Kathy, who sent this one in. She remarks:

It’s as if they have a kitchen only because the condo or local codes requires one. But the kitchen is not the only wonder to behold…

Indeed!

Take this nondescript hutch, for instance…

BOOM! Giant liquor cabinet.

And check out that bathtub faucet. Wow.

There’s certainly something to be said for picking a theme and sticking with it.

I guess when you can afford a $16.5 million condo, you don’t have to care what anyone thinks of you or your taste in “art.”

Nothing says “I am super classy” like plastering the walls with scantily-clad ladies.

In nearly every room.

Blech.

Over on the island’s rental website you can catch a bunch of videos of the location and the home.

The photos on this post are from the rental site, because the photos on the for sale listing are bland in comparison.

Given this island’s location in the Florida Keys, you’ll have a great view from the deck of the inevitable approaching hurricane.

Inside is rather bland…

But who are we kidding, the inside is not the attraction here.

You might think that the best way to get to this home would be by boat. You would be wrong, apparently.

Just $9.9 million and it’s yours.

OK, it’s just that they didn’t know about proper lighting for night shots. But maybe not.

Gee, maybe it’s all that bright Orlando sunshine causing glare. But maybe not.

Hmm… Perhaps the shots of smaller areas are better. But maybe not.

Uh, maybe they just woke up?

Or had a few too many?

I know! All together now, loudly enough for the guy in the projection booth to hear us, “Focus!”

Yeah, that oughta do it. But maybe not…

Still, it’s nice to see a friendly face because, other than him, this place looks like it ought to belong to Iron Man. You know – Tony Stark.

OK, so there are a few splashes of color…

But even the dog doesn’t rate anything exciting. Hopefully he’s friendly.

Then again, his name is Italian for “scam.”

So… how about that Listing Butler?!

That is a top quality photo right there. Definitely appropriate for a $1.2 million listing. Maybe it was just the lighting. Let’s give them another chance…

Nope, it wasn’t just the lighting. Wait, has this home been on the market since January 2008?!? The listing history seems to show it just having been listed a few weeks ago. I guess rather than bothering to shoot new photos, they just scrounged up whatever random shots they had lying around?

That’s the only way I can really think to explain this terrible collection.

I mean, a few of them even have dueling MLS watermarks! So ridiculous.

I guess I am old fashioned, but when a real estate agent stands to earn take a $36,000 commission, I expect at least some effort on their part to make the home look good in the sales material.

This site could probably feature nothing but Florida condos and I’d never run out of content.

Is there something in the air or water down there that causes the residents to lose all sense of interior design subtlety?

So much ultra-bold color.

What’s with the red box under the glass case in the bathroom?

At least the living room toned down the colors a bit. Those sofas and the giant horse “art” though… Yikes.

You’re looking at the one and only listing photo on a $1.8 million FSBO listing on SW Florida’s Sanibel Island.

Based on Google Street View, real life is somewhat less colorful:

From the listing description:

Corner location with BEST VISIBILITY & HIGH traffic volume. On Periwinkle Way bike path, over 20k cars tourist pass this property every day. Approved for most retail use, including bank, beer wine, retail, food store. Take out and food most possible!

Thousands of tourists pass this location on the MAIN DRAG of Sanibel Island. Perfect location for your business! Also has two residential units on this property. Do what you want when you want it in Southwest Florida’s number one tourist destination beach island town… on the only commercial property for sale with grandfathered mixed usege.

Love that mixed usege.

Ho-ho, no way am I going in there.

Oh. We went in there.

This place just keeps getting more and more nope.

How does this even happen.

Are those bars inside the windows? Yikes.

According to the Zillow Blog, this home has “a maze of ramps” instead of stairs inside.

Also inside, this:

Not into modern art? No problem, just step over into the dining room…

So much going on here. Funny that the listing agent (quoted in the above-linked piece on Zillow) describes it as “a very peaceful house.” With this many different styles I feel uneasy just looking through the photos…

Okay so the list price on this… place in Jacksonville is under $20,000, so I wouldn’t expect much.

However, I do sort of expect that the agent could maybe be bothered to take a photo with a device made more recently than 20 years ago. Especially when they’re only going to bother uploading a single photo to the listing.

No such luck.

There is so much one could say about this house, but let’s start with that sculpture above. Body of a lion, plus wings, plus the head of a lady. Oooooo-kay.

Conversation overheard between the owner and someone at a party:

“How big is your home?”
“A little over half an acre.”
“No, I mean your house, not the lot.”
“I know.”

Looks like the “half a baby elephant” table also has matching mini-tables. How delightful.

Also: It turns out the owner of this home likes lions.

I mean, a lot.

You can never have too many lions.

Lions, lions, everywhere.

Additional photos can be found on the “virtual tour.”

We could literally fill these pages with nothing but absurd over-the-top Florida estates, but I’m going to my best to abstain from them for a while.

That is one seriously column-tacular living room.

And the marble excess isn’t limited to the columns…

Good to know that faucet works.

Okay, back to the columns.

Oh, and a lion fountain.

Apparently wealthy Floridians really love their lion fountains.

The sellers of this $3.5 million South Florida pad are really proud of their lion fountains.

I mean really proud.

Just look at them.

Gaze upon their majesty.

Also, if you visit this home, prepare to be ambushed by herons as soon as you walk through the door. Just because.

What’s with the cameras up on the roof? This bit from the listing description explains:

Enjoy the views captured by rooftop cameras on the media screens…

Because it’s not like you could just, you know, actually go up on the roof.

Er… wait.

This crazy room powers your ability to watch your home’s own view on TV, and so much more:

…the server room that houses the technology that sets this house apart from ANYTHING you’ve EVER seen. Enjoy the views captured by rooftop cameras on the media screens, or gather to watch the Big Game! If you’d rather watch sunset in Alaska, select it from the media options, with 100’s to choose from!

And they fit all this in such a tiny package!

Haha no. This is the actual behemoth:

Here’s the full listing description, for posterity:

Tampa Bay’s best kept secret! This unbelievable custom built and furnished home is the pinnacle of luxury, perfect for entertaining, working, or relaxing in style, with absolutely no expense spared in every detail. This state-of-the-art property has many lavish upgrades including a chef’s kitchen with Sub zero and Miele appliances, gas range, warming drawers, discrete lighting- all set the perfect mood. Built on 5 levels, and to commercial standards, the ground floor is all garage- bring your car collection! The 2nd floor is a huge open floor with foyer, for you to create the space you crave, with possibilities for home or business. The third floor is 4 master suites, den, and the server room that houses the technology that sets this house apart from ANYTHING you’ve EVER seen. Enjoy the views captured by rooftop cameras on the media screens, or gather to watch the Big Game! If you’d rather watch sunset in Alaska, select it from the media options, with 100’s to choose from! Floor four is the living space, with separate office, kitchen, dining area and living rooms. Head to the rooftop terrace to enjoy views of Tampa Bay. The terrace is prebuilt ready for an outdoor kitchen, hot tub, seating, and serving areas- perfect for entertaining at sunset. Want more space? The owner also owns the house next door, and can include that in this sale, giving you many additional options for development. See the virtual tour, and schedule your personal tour today.

Said virtual tour is still online, as well.

I… um…

…

What?

Most of the rest of this place is pretty normal.

I mean, “normal” for a $7.4 million South Florida penthouse condo, that is.

What’s that old saying? Half a house is better than none? This place sure does look like it’s the result of a split-the-assets-down-the-middle divorce. I hope whoever kept this half got to keep his/her Ray Bans, too…

…because with loads of shiny materials, white walls, and a waterfront location in a sunny climate You. ARE. Going. To. Need. Them.

…and not just outside.

You arguably might need a pool, too, given the local temps. Too bad all you get is a hot tub. No nicely designed surroundings, though. But you do get a steam room! (O_o)

Oh, and what looks like an expansive sodalite stone island in the ground floor outdoor kitchen. It’s visually cooling, but yeah… no. For a Miami house who’s price has risen eight fold in less than two years, you really do need a pool.

[addendum by Marty] – Also: lizard!

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Um. Okay. So, it appears to be a bloodied, possibly severed head lying on a beach.

Not exactly the “art” piece I would have chosen to put directly over my bathtub.

Or anywhere in my house.

Or anywhere within 50 miles of me.

Even the furniture in this home is “art.”

Okay so the whole-wall fake room painting/photo is pretty cool, I will admit.

Sweet castle.

Only one problem…

…inside (if you can call it that), is a bit of a disaster.

“Needs work,” in listing agent speak.

$1.4 million seems a bit high to me for a few castle walls and a burned-out, weathered shell in southern Florida, a.k.a. Hurricane Central.

List price: just above a million bucks.

If the buyer isn’t blind though, they’re probably going to have to budget a bit extra to tone this place down a notch.

Make that five or six notches.

The best part about this listing is how every room seems to have a dramatically different style.

And yet they’re all hideous.

This home is not for the easily distracted. So many crazy lighting effects!

Definitely not for the easily disoriented, either.

LED walls. Because we can.

Why shouldn’t your home have built-in screensavers on as many surfaces as possible?

One thing I can say for this place… At least the owner picked one crazy theme and stuck with it. If crazy lighting, dark colors, and lots and lots of reflective surfaces are your thing, you are in luck!

I imagine that there might exist a more extravagant home game room than this, but I’ve certainly never seen anything else that comes close. This one’s so big it took two more photos just to capture it all.

But that’s just the beginning of what this home has to offer…

Yup, that’s a home theater modeled after the bridge of the Enterprise from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Borg Bar.

The parts of the home that aren’t in geek overdrive mode are certainly interesting as well.

Gotta love the very formal table setting paired with that modern art and a life-sized samurai statue.

Ooh! More classy art above the bed! It would appear that becoming ridiculously rich often causes one to lose all sense of good taste.

And just for good measure, let’s throw in a pirate-themed video game room. Because why not.

This place easily beats out the Indiana home with the Star Wars / Alien / Predator themed entertainment space for the crazy excess + terribly mismatched decor prize. Of course, it costs nearly eight times as much, so I guess it should?

Wow. I guess somebody really likes leopards.

This one kind of looks like it might just be from a personal photo shoot of one of the home’s current owners. Kind of an awkward thing to just leave up in a listing.

Much of this home has that extreme white-on-white-on-white theme we’ve been seeing pop up a lot lately. I guess white is the new black?

This place gives that all-white San Francisco crib we wrote about back in December a run for its money.

What do you do for fun when you live inside a featureless, colorless void?

Sit around and stare at your Restoration Hardware 1920s German light bulb voltage tester bar, apparently.

Gee, I wonder what this seller’s prized possessions are?

The listing agent had an allotment of 30 photos to showcase this 11,500 square foot home. Here’s how he used them:

• 9 photos of the two white sports cars
• 4 photos of the living room
• 2 identical photos of the bathroom
• 2 ridiculously over-processed, hyper-saturated exterior shots
• 2 aerial shots
• 1 site drawing
• 10 photos of the rest of the house

That one is the primary photo.

This would be a terrifying reality to live in, frankly.

This home’s current owner is “Hip-hop star Pharrell Williams.”

Not sure if the point here is really to sell the home, or just to show it off.

Because these photos are definitely accomplishing the latter.

Seriously. Who has a movie room just for their guitars?

Apparently, hip-hop stars, that’s who.

You know, in case you wanted to know what your future home will look like to a fish.

Or maybe through a crystal ball?

Or maybe there’s nothing distorted about these photos at all. Maybe it’s one of those art project houses and all that stuff really is that warped.

I guess these sellers really enjoyed Pulp Fiction?

..or they just like painting things all over their walls, apparently.

Guns! More guns!

Okay skateboarding SpongeBob is pretty cool.

This condo has a price tag of $5,583,900 and a rather… interesting marketing strategy.

I’m sensing a theme here…

Okay so maybe you’re not a fan of ladies’ backs. Here, have this instead.

Ready to lay down $5,583,900 yet?

“Live in a refuge of nature untamed”

Um… the “untamed nature” is kind of the main reason I have no interest in living in south Florida in the first place.

Can’t you just feel the “originality, attention to detail, and rich quality of community life” exuded by the developer?

I can feel it.