There is so much one could say about this house, but let’s start with that sculpture above. Body of a lion, plus wings, plus the head of a lady. Oooooo-kay.

Conversation overheard between the owner and someone at a party:

“How big is your home?”
“A little over half an acre.”
“No, I mean your house, not the lot.”
“I know.”

Looks like the “half a baby elephant” table also has matching mini-tables. How delightful.

Also: It turns out the owner of this home likes lions.

I mean, a lot.

You can never have too many lions.

Lions, lions, everywhere.

Additional photos can be found on the “virtual tour.”

We could literally fill these pages with nothing but absurd over-the-top Florida estates, but I’m going to my best to abstain from them for a while.

That is one seriously column-tacular living room.

And the marble excess isn’t limited to the columns…

Good to know that faucet works.

Okay, back to the columns.

Oh, and a lion fountain.

Apparently wealthy Floridians really love their lion fountains.

The sellers of this $3.5 million South Florida pad are really proud of their lion fountains.

I mean really proud.

Just look at them.

Gaze upon their majesty.

Also, if you visit this home, prepare to be ambushed by herons as soon as you walk through the door. Just because.

It looks so unassuming from the outside, but then once you step inside…

Lions!

And… um… mountain lions!

And polar bears!

Oh my.

I think this place may take the taxidermy crown from the Gig Harbor, WA home we featured a couple years ago.

Also, who keeps six buffet servers in their dining room? This place is creeping me out for a variety of reasons.

But hey, at least there’s this:

Yay, train! Probably not as awesome as the incredible “Railway Resort” in Oregon (which is still for sale, by the way, and $1.7 million cheaper than this place), but hey it’s a lot cooler than a bunch of dead animals.

There’s lots to like here…

Lots of brick…

Lots of wood…

Lots of dark areas…

and lots of nature.

There’s also an odd but attractive mural over the bath.

The best feature, though, is the conveniently pre-dug, easy to hide grave. Sure, the listing calls it a “mechanics pic,” but we know what it really is.

*wink-wink*

Um, I think we need to have a talk about what constitutes a “home theater.” I don’t think you can just throw some theater chairs into a narrow hallway and call it a “theater.”

But hey, at least there are lions.

Rawr.

Hrm. Not sure what this is supposed to convey about the home for sale. But okay.

Hey, maybe real horses aren’t your thing? How about a horse statue?

Horses not your thing at all? Okay, how about a painted lion statue?

I know I for one have always wanted to emulate the feeling of being hunted by an apex predator whenever I look out my back door.

What? Is a seemingly incapacitated child splayed out across the living room floor a deal-breaker for you?

How about a baby-eating lion? Not your cup of tea?

Nothing like a pair of golden lions guarding the front door to say: “Welcome, visitors! Here’s hoping you don’t meet a gruesome fate inside these walls.”

Oh, wait. Looks like they’re just guarding the Beverly Hills Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.