Now you see it…

Now you don’t!

Thanks to Kathy, who sent this one in. She remarks:

It’s as if they have a kitchen only because the condo or local codes requires one. But the kitchen is not the only wonder to behold…

Indeed!

Take this nondescript hutch, for instance…

BOOM! Giant liquor cabinet.

And check out that bathtub faucet. Wow.

There’s certainly something to be said for picking a theme and sticking with it.

This home has it all! Something for everyone. The “art” lover…

The garden lover…

The high-energy kids…

The high energy adults…

…wait a minute, is that a stripper pole in the workout room?

Anyway, moving on…

It’s got a castle for the little princess…

…and a sweet arcade room for the gamers.

Of course, for $34.5 million dollars, it had better have something for everyone. With nine bedrooms, seventeen bathrooms, and 14,563 square feet there should be space to fit pretty much anything you can imagine.

Privacy is also hard to come by when you have lots of guests who’ll share a meal with you in the lodge-sized kitchen/dining combo.

Or the ones who won’t be able to keep quiet after lounging on the observation bench… in front of your spa tub.

Any guest who wins his or her handball match would likewise be tempted to spill the beans.

Oh, geeze… so there’s at least nine more guys who no doubt will blab about your full-sized basketball court.

And your batting cages…

But the absolute deal breaker for keeping your location a secret is to advertise that you have…

…your own baseball diamond. With night game capability. Makes finding you a total snap. BTW, the home is on West Patrick Lane, about 2 miles due west of McCarran International Airport and right next to the Korean Catholic Church that fronts on South Jones Blvd.

[Note from Marty: The full address was fairly easy to find. It’s 5990 W Patrick Lane, Las Vegas, NV 89118]

Lead suitably impressed guests into your Untouchably chic speakeasy.

Play at being Cinderella (your choice of dozens of adaptations), fleeing down the castle staircase to evade the lovelorn prince.

Recreate training scenes from Rocky II, III, IV, or V (but not the first one because, hey, he was still poor).

Do what Ferris Bueller would’ve done if he’d really stayed home sick.

Ascend into the heavens (or your neighbor’s yard) via your personal glass Wonkavator. (Um, yeah… the Wonkavator moves sideways, too.)

When you’re ready to come back to earth, you can ground and center (or just take a nap) in your meditation chamber. But watch out that stray sparks don’t catch your hair on fire… Remember, the point is to play at being dramatic, not actually, you know, be dramatic!

Just 22 minutes from downtown Portland, this $7.2 million manse has pretty much everything…

Outside, it’s all castle. Inside…

…it’s also castle.

Except when it’s desert oasis.

Or Arabic domes.

Or giant… ceiling… compass?

Okay, back to castle.

Nope, just kidding. Time for a modern theater.

Or how about this rainbow workout room?

Okay let’s close on the castle watchtower.

It’s certainly nice, but you’d think they would be able to decide on just one style.

A grand formal entry.

A power office as a backdrop for your redneck dream painting of a semi.

A killer rec-room with classic popcorn, Coke, and slot machines.

And the coolest thing money can buy…  Water.You.Can.Light.On.Fire!!!

In the (literal) man cave…

Behind a waterfall…

Even in the appropriately named hot tub…

Ahhh… Water, water everywhere, and every drop can burn!

…whose crowned porcupine crest appears in solid marble above the impressive entry

…who enjoy an indoor palm forest

…who feel the need for a terrace pavilion styled on a Greek temple

…and who choose the company of contemplative statuary on warm spring evenings.

Who doesn’t want a whole room in their house dedicated to virtual golfing?

Oh right. Pretty much everybody.

I could go for a two-lane bowling alley complete with electronic score-keeping, though.

I suspect they don’t get much proper use out of the indoor basketball court.

That giant Persian rug just doesn’t say “baller” to me.

There is so much one could say about this house, but let’s start with that sculpture above. Body of a lion, plus wings, plus the head of a lady. Oooooo-kay.

Conversation overheard between the owner and someone at a party:

“How big is your home?”
“A little over half an acre.”
“No, I mean your house, not the lot.”
“I know.”

Looks like the “half a baby elephant” table also has matching mini-tables. How delightful.

Also: It turns out the owner of this home likes lions.

I mean, a lot.

You can never have too many lions.

Lions, lions, everywhere.

Additional photos can be found on the “virtual tour.”

We could literally fill these pages with nothing but absurd over-the-top Florida estates, but I’m going to my best to abstain from them for a while.

Whoa. Sensory overload.

I… um… what.

I think that’s the kitchen? Not really sure how you prepare food when nearly every surface is covered with tchotchkes.

Is that a bed? How is anyone supposed to even sit on it, let alone lie down, when two thirds of it is covered in pillows?

Good luck sleeping. I imagine that even when you close your eyes, this home’s decor will haunt your dreams.

Notice that they even have art on the wall under the table next to the bed!

Sure, why not. What better place to put a statue than dead center in front of your front door?

Wowzers.

Gee, I wonder what this seller’s prized possessions are?

The listing agent had an allotment of 30 photos to showcase this 11,500 square foot home. Here’s how he used them:

• 9 photos of the two white sports cars
• 4 photos of the living room
• 2 identical photos of the bathroom
• 2 ridiculously over-processed, hyper-saturated exterior shots
• 2 aerial shots
• 1 site drawing
• 10 photos of the rest of the house

That one is the primary photo.

This would be a terrifying reality to live in, frankly.

By my count, there is seating for nearly fifty people in this main dining / living room.

But the bar seats only three, apparently.

I love this bit from the listing:

Spectacular Mid-Century Modern Estate just completed!

Um, in order to be a Mid-Century Modern, I think it needs to have been completed in the middle of the (previous) century.

I counted nine television screens scattered throughout this house. Two of them are outside. Because screw nature.

Speaking of nature, check out the ultra-natural palm tree in the middle of the ultra-natural courtyard.

Asking price on this over-the-top spec home: $8.5 million.

These dogs wish they could get in, but unless they can find themselves some zebra disguises, they’re apparently going to be out of luck.

The individual who is selling attempting to sell this home really, really likes zebra print.

I mean, a lot. Also, what’s with the second toilet? why the bidet (relatively rare in American homes)? Did they just need another surface to put more zebra print on?

Zebra print stairs?!? That’s taking it to an entirely new level.

Place mats, cabinets, furniture, accessories… and a small statue of some kind of zebra-giraffe hybrid thrown in there for good measure.

Okay that last one doesn’t have any zebra print (incredibly), but I thought I’d bring it full circle with another pair of wistful dogs.

I guess there’s something to be said for choosing a theme and… um… going all out with it?

I mean really, really going all out.

If you ever wondered what it would be like living inside an algae-covered aquarium…

…wonder no more.

Added bonus: the bathroom is a completely different piece of work:

Sold in March for $1.9 million.

Custom built Moroccan style home… mosaic tiles crafted & imported from Morocco.

The architecture, the walls, the ceilings, the floor coverings, the furniture… All on-theme.

Wait a minute… Are those Moroccan parakeets chilling in that birdcage in the afternoon shade?

Well done.